Fated Stars
by Marc Ortiz May 10, 2007
|
Come a little closer |
Did You Like This Poem?
Latest Comments
-
16 years ago
by Jenni Marie
Again, I enjoyed the repetition.
Emotion and depth shine through the words, the first stanza is a beautiful opener and it gets better from there on.
I noticed there were quite a few fillers in this one to, try to eliminate some of them in your writing, it helps flow improve greatly. -
16 years ago
by Vanessa
A few fillers, minor grammer mistakes, and the flow was rocky, but other than that it was great, the emtion was strong and the word choice painted a clear image.
-
16 years ago
by Teria
Awh. I loved it. :D I think you could work on punctuation though, it threw off the flow a bit in this poem. Not your others, but this one it did. The syllables a little bit as well, not that much though.
Other than those two minor t hings you did a wonderful job with this poem.
Keep it up! -
16 years ago
I liked this poem it was so sweet and meaingful. I think if you got rid of a few of the I's it would be much better. But nice work still. I really liked how you were expressing your love to someone thats a very hard thing to do. "The stars are falling for us" my favorite line.. so powerful.
-
16 years ago
by Fluffy
Very good. The repetition is good, with a nice flow to support the piece. There aren't many things to improve on, but here they are:
"Beside you feels like heaven" - just put 'Being' before 'Beside', the line will make more sense this way.
"Will you stay with me through eternity?" - change the word 'through' to 'for'.
Erm. Hmm. And, oh, try to avoid too many '..'. The full stop has much more significance as opposed to the '..'.
Other than that, the poem was great. Well done! :)
