Counterplay

by .K.i.T.t.Y.   Jun 16, 2007


This is in need of major editing. Any aid would be great.
~~~~~~~~`
It was two AM when I approached your door,
With my keys and purse clutched tightly in my hand,
And my over-used body thrown to the floor,
Looking hopelessly at my only escape...

Him.

He scooped me up in his tireless arms,
And carried me to his couch,
Fetched me my favorite drink,
And settled beside me in a slouch.

His golden, green eyes gazed,
As if he carried a burden of pain,
Looked at me like I was to pity,
Because of tears that remained.

With a sigh he whispered,
Okay, you got me,
What else do you want,
What do you want to see?

With a smirk I returned the gaze,
I knew exactly what I wanted,
I wanted everyone one of them dead,
I wanted them to feel more than taunted.

Teary eyes sparkled now,
As he held my hands in his;
We closed our eyes naturally,
Knowing that old ritual of the whiz.

Visions ran through his mind
Imitating a 70's film strip,
Showing me every scene,
Of what was to come in a slip.

The stoke of the blade gently caressing
My mother's golden adorned neck,
Blood slowing trickling down;
Before I withdraw I leave a peck.

Such a rush I feel within my veins,
As I experience their final scene,
Laughing to myself as their curtains close,
Their player bodies I glean.

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Latest Comments

  • 16 years ago

    by Jenni Marie

    I found this to be original and unique in concept.
    The opening was very powerful and grabbed my attention right away and from there on it just kept getting better and better.
    The imagery you used in this is beautifully done, it created very vivid pictures in my mind.
    The only thing I can suggest with this is to maybe take out some of the fillers (I, and, you etc) to make the flow better.
    The flow is good for the most part, but there were times when I thought it went a little shaky.
    Other than that, I adore this.

  • 16 years ago

    by Melpomene

    Honestly this piece was interesting. The title again capturing. Some lines seemed to go off I felt as though your ryhmes didn't fit in, as though you added them because you had to. That is the only thing I found to make the flow of this poem off.

    What do else do you want,

    This line is it supose to be

    What else do you want

    If not sorry about that it just seems to sound a little wrong. The story behind this was amazing none the less. I felt it to be intense and didn't bore me at all. Well done~mel

  • 16 years ago

    by Travis

    This is... I don't even know. It's just awesome. I don't know how to describe it. But it's great. Wish I could do that good. Don't even say I do, cause I know I don't. But I've been on like a writing spree all tonight so I wrote like 4 more if you wanna comment them.

  • 16 years ago

    by Debbie

    My, what an attention-grabbing piece you've written. How you conjured melancholic images in the mind thrilled me exceedingly, along with the graceful passion in which you write with. I only have complaints about the latter development of the plot and other technical aspects. It seemed to be in an disordered shape and ended rather abruptly, which, I believed, needs to be reorganized, in order to augment the overall flow and the poem itself as well.

    This work, nevertheless, appealed to me. I liked the counterplay/counterattack concept you employed on this piece, which is, in fact, akin to a chess game. =] A gruesome and thrilling piece. Thank you for sharing. ~Debbie

  • 16 years ago

    by Goran Rahim

    Oh dear, this is another great one by you, as always you have done a great job, but this was just too sad.
    keep it up like always.

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