A broken Star

by Boy   Aug 29, 2007


A broken star was the shining star
From the rush of the world, he was so far
Every night, he wanted to come near moon
He was hoping, he will go near, soon

In the space there were thousands of stars
Same as the tiny white flowers
This star was shining bright
In the passion of moon light

he never thought, one day he had to break
A broken shining star was leaving his place
leaving the space, he was falling down
very soon for the world, to be shown

sharpness of air fired him
he was going to be very thin
A stone with fire, was a shining star
from the rush of the world, he was so far

the final destination was not so far
now very close to this world jar
he has lost every hope
and was inside the earth globe

a dark blue ocean removed him in its deepness
a story is not end, many stars will break
and they will leave their place

everyone see the broken stars
but nobody seen, in the earth
there is another broken star
from this world he is not so far

a broken star in earth, In his life
he lived far from his moonlight
he has broken now

in the earth there is another broken star
from the people eye, he is not so far
who is he?
I am

written by: hassan kirmani

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Latest Comments

  • 14 years ago

    by SheenaMarie

    Beautifully written 5/5

  • 15 years ago

    by Gizmo

    1st stanza

    i love the opening line it adds a but of mystery to the poem and its quiet musical.
    changes:
    come near 'the' moon
    He was hoping, he will go near, soon- 'he was hoping to go there soon'

    2nd stanza
    Same as the tiny white flowers
    - you could do- some as tiny as pale white flowers.

    3rd stanza-
    he had to break
    - he would break

    4th stanza
    'the' sharpness..

    5th stanza
    the final destination was not so far
    now very close to this world jar
    he has lost every hope
    and was inside the earth globe
    - this doesn't work so because it doesn't make sense sorry.

    6th
    a story is not end,- this story is not the end
    their place's

    7th
    everyone 'will' see the broken stars
    nobody in the world will see
    you don't need the last line of this

    8th
    he is broken now

    9th
    on this earth
    people's eye

    overall this was na interesting little poem there was a great deal of imagery but you need make these changes or it wouldn't make sense.

  • 15 years ago

    by AnCi

    I really liked how you used the shining star as a metaphore.. I like the poem but at times it was hard to follow so I had to read it twice.. But it is a really good poem.. :)

  • 15 years ago

    by mikayla

    Wow this is an amazing poem :)
    5/5!

  • 16 years ago

    by Lonely Rider

    Beautiful...
    I like concept.. how you compared a broken star with yourself... very unique...

    "he never thought, one day he had to break
    A broken shining star was leaving his place
    leaving the space, he was falling down
    very soon for the world, to be shown "

    ^^Simple beautiful lines...

    good work..

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