The Stranger Look Back at Me--Cancer

This place is always so cold. Hug my jacket closer to my body. Every inch of this place smells of death and medication. There is no happiness to be found. The floors are white and the walls are too. The seats are uncomfortable and the magazines are old. I dont know what to do with myself so I sit there and wait until we can leave.

My mother tells me to be happy, it her birthday today. I try to smile but I feel the sadness creep into my eyes. I cant look at your face, I cant look into your eyes. For all I will see is the tired look and the misery on your face.

Its her birthday today, she is forty-three. Yet she looks so much older, for deaths hand has touched her so many times. She is forty-three today, and her present is an I.V. into her chest. The I.V. that pumps deadly chemicals into her body. The chemicals kill the cancer cells but also kill the white blood cells that help protect the body from infection.

We are finally called into the Cancer Treatment Room. When we walk in....there are machines all around us connected to people, the people who are all here for the same reason we are. Some of them are dying from the killer, others are some how surviving because of the I.V. strapped to there chest. This place that I stand in today is one that I will never be able to walk in nor see again. The sadness and brokenhearted people that all lay before me make me feel so ashamed of myself. I feel so ashamed of myself for hating my life and wanting to die. Because the people before me are fighting for their life they want to live not die

I cant handle this I have to get out of here. Im choking, I feel the walls closing in. I dont know whats going on. I step outside of the room trying to get some air, trying to clear my head. But I feel my stomach flip for I know that no matter where I go this shit I call my life will follow me. I fall to my knees for I am too weak to stand the pain in my stomach wont leave. I feel a flow of tears fill my eyes and fall down my face. God I really hate this. Why cant it just all go away.

I pick myself up and go into the bathroom; I must put myself back together. I must be strong for my mother. I look into the bathroom mirror and ask myself.... Whom is this person staring back at me....Do I know you....How can I change so much...Where has my strength gone.....Who is this person that brakes down before me...What have I become

The door opening suddenly scared me as I quickly wash my face off and look one last time at the stranger before me wondering if I will ever see the old me again.

I walk quietly and slowly back to the room that I came from I open the door to the Cancer Treatment Room once again I see the nurses and my family celebrating her birthday. She trying so hard to smile and hold back her tears. She hurting so much not only because of her birthday situation but because she never thought her life could take such a dramatic turn. I sit there silently not knowing what to say or do. I dont know how to feel about this.

As the chemicals flow into her you can see the strength drain from her body and mind. Her face is turning white and her speech is beginning to slier. The monster is over taking her mind and also her soul.

This is the start of another week of throw up and crying that I must handle on my own. This is another week that will not only be hell for her but also for me.

Today was her birthday, a birthday she will never forget. A birthday where she could hardly stand by herself, or even speak. It was not only her birthday today but also a turning point in my life. We both saw how much we have lost and that every time we look into the mirror there will be a stranger staring back. And the fact is the person we once were is never coming back.