Comments : Lonely Mountain

  • 5 years ago

    by Tara Kay

    :O
    Speechless,

    I am astounded by the content, and the emotion, the addition of snow and lonely mountain really adds to the sadness of the poem, the reference to ice, and the knots inside...
    almost agony and pain but the reason unknown

    Really strongly worded with great flow

    What else to say?
    Amazing

  • 5 years ago

    by Yakari Gabriel

    You know,they were many reasons why I came back..and I was so pissed...
    that you and Ms sibylene-ne-ne-en where popping such fancy writes over here and I couldn't comment .. this one, and 00:00

    I'm actually surprised this didn't win this week,I was totally expecting it would.

    I don't know where to start,
    not being nosy, but can I just know the meaning of this?..because honestly..
    I have pondered so much, but when I put my confusion a side I see so much beauty...MY GOD.

    There spins a heavy ball inside me,
    below the chest,
    above the navel,
    constrained by neither heart nor lung.

    ^
    here,I like..I thought of a pregnancy..but very early in the pregnancy.(maybe its my obsession with pregnant woman.maybe its the word "inside".I dunno haha)
    but then,I'm like wait..below the chest,
    above the navel? NO WAIT..THERE CAN'T BE A BABY THERE.. the baby is somewhere lower.. so phew..Jane ain't pregos.

    It grows with every inhaled breath.
    It grows with steps I almost take.
    It's made of all things bad and lost;
    things broken, cold, forgotten.

    ^
    so then I was like having pregnant thoughts again
    "grows with every inhaled breath",
    but shook them off,
    and started thinking no, maybe she means her own heart is a lonely mountain.. because you know the picture, of the heart..not the heart shape,the original one..it does kind of looks little bumpy..but m, that couldn't be it..I kept guessing.

    It keeps my feet from treading up,
    to brave the frosted giant.

    ^
    but then ugh..pregnancy again in my thoughts -_- because you know how babies give strength and purpose and...etc

    bottom line is,I still don't know what its about, also the stanza about the mountain not being connected to a heart or a lung..shrugg of the heart thought again, but then again, you could be talking about a heart having no heart... in poetry all is possible,

    to me, this write was amazing,
    I felt the same sinking feeling I got with your poem "growing up"

    I couldn't wait to get to this,
    the sadness is so profound..I think even I have something now below the chest and above the navel..

    you're word use maybe,was the best part of this..cause it wasn't complicated...

    Gorgeous poetry,
    I'm rambling too much, my excuses while I proceed to re read this again

    And to ponder some more..ha.

  • 5 years ago

    by silvershoes

    Hey Yaki, I love your interpretation and breakdown of my poem. I'll do my best to tell you what it's really about ;)

    This poem focuses on a woman's view of her relationship with a man who is not good for her. He is a huge part of her life, perhaps her whole life - she doesn't feel like she can live without him. He's completely consumed her. She would lose her identity if she cut him off and braved the mountain alone (the struggle of rebuilding oneself), which is what paralyzes her. There is no going back. The past is lost. Going forward doesn't feel like an option either. She's too weak; too broken down to take the first step.
    If she doesn't move, she'll freeze to death and become like a dead tree at the bottom of a mountain (she'll be lost to him, and to time, forever).
    The ball insider her chest is a figurative aching in her soul.
    Also, this poem is about realizing the difference between loneliness and being alone. How can you be lonely if you're not alone?

    That's about it.

  • 5 years ago

    by Yakari Gabriel

    WHAT.

    not in a million years, would've I guessed this..now I'm even more blown away.
    ah, the beauty of poetry..to think that I even made you a pregnant woman there for a while..

    oh, a boy..I see.

    menstrual pains,
    menopause..

    yep, all problems start with men.

    a brilliant write nontheless,
    now that I go to re-read knowing the meaning, it seems so much deeper.

    you rock girl.

  • 5 years ago

    by Rania Moallem

    Edit

  • 5 years ago

    by Yakari Gabriel

    ,,,YES!

  • 5 years ago

    by Hellon

    It snows down lonely mountain.
    Somehow the wind has brought me here.

    I try to move, but I cannot.

    ^^^^

    I like the idea of you standing alone by a mountain....it would be a very isolated spot to find yourself but a perfect one if you need to gather your thoughts I'd imagine. The last line here would indicate to me that you're unsure...to go back would defeat the purpose of getting where you are right now but...to go forward is frightening?

    There spins a heavy ball inside me,
    below the chest,
    above the navel,
    constrained by neither heart nor lung.

    It grows with every inhaled breath.
    It grows with steps I almost take.
    It's made of all things bad and lost;
    things broken, cold, forgotten.

    ^^^^

    This could be depression or anxiety or both perhaps?..the ball I mean..

    It keeps my feet from treading up,
    to brave the frosted giant.

    It keeps my path from turning back,
    for nothing back is left.

    It keeps me still as Death, itself,
    a leafless tree, long standing.

    ^^^^

    You know you have to move or you will die...even if the death is only on the inside...you need to make that choice.

    The force that spins inside the ball
    that spins inside my weighted soul
    will grow and grow
    until rocks have melted,
    and all that's left is ice.

    ^^^^

    I think my comment above would also suit this stanza..

    Somehow the wind has brought me here,
    with nowhere else to go.
    It snows down lonely mountain,
    but why, I do not know

    I liked the ending...a little repetition from the first stanza combined with a statement that sums up the whole poem.

    I liken that there was no real solution in the end....left me wondering what happened....perhaps you became a snowman LOL!!!

    Congrats on the win....really liked this one.

  • 5 years ago

    by Rania Moallem

    Amazing poem of despondency seamlessly described. The poet has reached her limit, can move neither up the mountain nor back. Above her lay the challenges of life, behind her the experiences thus far, and within her the accumulated disappointments that weigh her down. It might be a snowball that has rolled down the heights, gathering mass until it has, for her, become an unyielding force. It appears to bring her to the brink of absolute despair, yet the fact she is able to articulate the feeling indicates that she has the capacity to place that first step on the upward slope and, like Sisyphus, carry on through the absurdity.

    ^
    Judging comment:

  • 5 years ago

    by A lonely soul

    It seems to me the Poetess is now getting in competition with our Ms. Sunshine, who writes some of the deepest and saddest poems. So, I could not resist picking this as one of my winners this week. The emotions laid down in each stanza are deeply touching:

    It snows down lonely mountain.
    Somehow the wind has brought me here.
    I try to move, but I cannot.

    ^ The portrayal of the character's despondent mood to a "lonely mountain", a place where people "brood" will capture the imagination of those who have been there before. The fact that it was most unexpected, is captured in the second line very well.

    There spins a heavy ball inside me,
    below the chest,
    above the navel,
    constrained by neither heart nor lung.

    ^ A novel way to restate that the emotions are "riding a roller coaster" or "churning inside out".

    It grows with every inhaled breath.
    It grows with steps I almost take.
    It's made of all things bad and lost;
    things broken, cold, forgotten.

    ^ And the size of the "heavy ball (=distressed mood) keeps getting worse. Perhaps, the poetess could have used some refinements in her expressions here, and avoided the repetitions that seem to take away some of the beauty of her thoughts projected here. I would suggest some rewordings such as:

    It grows within me, with each
    inhaled breath and every step that I take
    Reminiscences of things gone bad,
    lost, broken, frozen and forgotten

    It keeps my feet from treading up,
    to brave the frosted giant.

    ^ A state of emotional freeze, nicely projected here

    It keeps my path from turning back,
    for nothing back is left.
    It keeps me still as Death, itself,
    a leafless tree, long standing.

    ^ I would say the expressions are very well conceived but perhaps a little misworded, as "paths" don't usually turn back. Perhaps she meant, "feet" instead of "path" in here, and "left standing" instead of "long standing"

    The force that spins inside the ball
    that spins inside my weighted soul
    will grow and grow
    until rocks have melted,
    and all that's left is ice.

    ^ again, minus the repetitions here of "that" (x 3) this was a painful stanza, which will gain sympathy with the readers who have been let down by their loved one. In particular, I liked the was the Poetess used the expression "until rocks have melted and all that's left is ice...", a powerful projection of how emotionally hard hit the character portrayed here is.

    Somehow the wind has brought me here,
    with nowhere else to go.
    It snows down lonely mountain,
    but why, I do not know.

    A very poignant ending to a melancholic verse that melts the reader's thoughts, in sympathy. Well done Poetess.
    Nana watch out! You got some serious competition here!

    (Judging 3-4-12)

  • 5 years ago

    by C P West

    Each line leads you intensely to the next with a great close. Very nice.

  • 5 years ago

    by C P West

    Each line leads you intensely to the next with a great close. Very nice.

  • 5 years ago

    by tainted melody

    This was so beautiful. It really had me anticipating each line to come. Great job :)

  • 5 years ago

    by Nema

    I Thank you for using such a title :) it conveys an image of a symbol of the utmost strength and power.

    "Rocks melt". Really? That's new! :) You gave proof that the toughest things in life could break, in a poem. That is a brilliant idea.

    Great write! :)
    Shine on~

  • 4 years ago

    by Meena Krish

    The title is just a title and the write paints something more, something deeper where sadness just reaches into the depths of a heart.
    Very nicely penned...take care.

  • 3 years ago

    by Rania Moallem

    That moment when you are walking back home, long way, and you remember a sad poem you once read, written by someone you don't really really know, but still know-in a way or another.

    And feel like I aught to read TONIGHT, and here I am :)

    one of your most touching. loved reading it again, if it wasn't for the mountain title, I doubt I would have found it that fast.

  • 2 years ago

    by Naughtymouse

    Along time ago Nana and I were talking about our favourite writes on PnQ and she named this one and one of her all time favourites, after I read it it was easy to see why and so I added it to my own favourites. I've read this piece so many times now i could probably recite it lol

    The way you describe those feelings of the thought of being lonely and how loneliness can be percieved is just epic. I know this is written from a womans point of view but it translates to every one, for me this poem signifies not only what the poem is about but how we as writers use language and imagery to say what we wanna say.

    An earth shattering piece of writing, really i can't say enough about it.

  • 2 years ago

    by JaneDoeWrites

    The "lonely mountain" you use here reminds me so much of Lord of the Rings, but your play on the word lonely drags the reader so much deeper.

    While reading, I pictured this weighted ball you described spinning furiously inside of you, churning anxiousness within you, so unstoppable. It enforces the writers feeling of helplessness. Visually, this is a stunning piece. Emotionally, this is a heart-wrenching one.

    The weight we all carry within ourselves makes it harder and harder to walk on, put one foot in front of the other. And you aren't sure why you were lead to take such a difficult path in your life. The wintry feel you've placed here implies the readers surrender to this emotion, how it's overtaken them. I like how the end is really just suspended with unanswered questions...

    Fantastic write.