His touch electrocutes the air
circling me, his hands are vultures
flocking to the side of the road where I sit-
where I'm playing Winehouse songs
crying, smoking the days
His voice is crimson velvet, washing
the skies overhead, the pockets lined with
evaporating words from all my unfinished writes-
where my ribs are parted and my canvas
is exposed to the blackest
blacks of night.
And for the sixteenth time I'll put out
a cigarette on my hip and recite the seventeen
songs that were left in the current, drifting away-
where my heart was stolen and each line
of my lyrics read
He twirls my heart across his fingers,
I'm left tumbling beneath the static waves
of his aurora borealis soul, that starred velvet sky-
that peaceful, hovering place where
old dogs like me
go to die.
*A/N: A special thanks to Tony who suggested the term "Velvet sky" as a topic.*
Wow! This is an awesome piece of writing, if I had read it at the time I would have nominated this!
The imagery and description is so eerie in places, but yet so vivid and realistic to your story.
I like the mention of Winehouse songs, it just gives us the information in a less direct way of simply saying the whole thing, or giving us too much.
#I loved your line of evaporated words, and then to finish that line with unfinished writes. The whole stanza here is great and so powerful, it is like the soul has been destroyed and you are actually describing everything the body and mind are going through.
I also think there is a good significance to the "sixteenth" time, I guess it shows how much you have been through this routine and yet cannot stop it.
Such a brilliant write!
3 years ago
by Beautiful Soul
Everyone says that the first stanza is always the most important one because it intros the poem. Well my dear you went far beyond that. It seems like here a guy likes you and you are trying to be left alone to soak in what's left of the day/night and enjoying whats left of your happiness. I loved the line crimson velvet. It seems like his voice is something you don't want to hear but it is smooth. I am fond of the last couple lines of the second stanza. The imagery is so great there. I think you mean your heart was exposed to the darkness or sadness of some kind. That's just what I think.
The third stanza is great because I believe you enhance the story well. You or the character holds a loneliness as well because you want anyone to notice you but it's hard for you to open up who you really are. I think the last stanza tells the story well. I think you finally reveal where you are. A bar or some low place where you don't want to be at all. But it seems like this place holds a meaning yet you still feel alone. Overall I loved the imagery and wording though I was confused at first lol. Great write though:)
Its a very good poem, and i think with a little bit of tweaking it could be a lot more powerful. I really like the theme, the velvet sky is a very potent image, both beautiful and visceral at the same time.
in contrast there were a few places that tripped me up a bit. one such place was the following line
" evaporating words from all my unfinished writes-"
unfinished writes somehow seems... too colloquial for the feeling of this piece. "unfinished writings" might be a bit stronger, but maybe play around with it and see if theres another choice that accomplishes the same thing youre looking for.
" of his aurora borealis soul, that starred velvet sky-"
i feel that use of the aurora borealis is a bit clunky, and a bit less than apt. We all know that an aurora borealis is a beautiful phenomena, but the name is almost too scientific, too long, and too cliche. further, it was used as an adjective when it is a noun which caused some mild confusion to me, the reader.
"Of the northern lights of his soul, in that starry velvet sky"
is where i would probably take that line, but i find that its a little too long to agree with the flow of your piece. I would recommend tinkering with this line a little bit too if you have the chance. only one more thing, i promise.
"that peaceful, hovering place
old dogs like me
go to die."
i think this could be phrased just slightly more clearly by adding a single word.
"that peaceful, hovering place
where old dogs like me
go to die."
i think it would add to the strength with which the reader comprehends the closing statement, and coupled with the slow - tapering effect you have going, it makes for a really powerful ending.
definitely a great job on this piece. i feel like i always come off as hypercritical, but you did do a great job. with a little tinkering this poem could be even more amazing than it is.
First of all, nominated! I've completely and utterly fell in love with this piece.
First stanza: His hands are vultures, really... like that's an awesome metaphor from the very beginning! I feel like maybe that's some sort of controlling vibe there, he flocks to wherever you are, watching you... definitely radiates creepiness!
The imagery of you sitting beside the road, crying... listening to Amy Winehouse..smoking your last cigarette.... is amazing. No other word for it.
Second stanza: He's a smooth talker...he works his way right into your canvas, your heart.
" the pockets lined with
evaporating words from all my unfinished writes"
^obsessed with this line.
Third stanza: You burn yourself to try and cover up the pain of the heartbreak... to feel something other than the way he made you feel. You use your poetry/lyrics to plead with him to stay, but he has already gone... already chewed you up and spit you out after he sweet talked into your life, into your heart.
Fourth: You know he is bad news, that he will do nothing but hurt you...but yet you can't stay away... his power over you is so compelling. I love the ending "old dogs like me go to die"
Like I said, completely adore this poem. I'm sure I'll read it repeatedly!