The way you pursed your lips when I left
my plate on the sink and sat down to read the paper,
The way your laughter wrinkles tightened when I opened
another bottle of cold beer and turned up the tv,
The way your eyes narrowed when I forgot
to empty my pockets of betting slips before coming home,
The way your head dropped when I didn't
pick up the milk in the shop after the match, again.
The way a teardrop fell on your coffin when I reached
for your hand at my side because I can't, I can't
Written for Baby Rainbows club battle challenge
I thought it appropriate to listen to the song that inspired the title for your poem, hoping it would add to the atmosphere you created. I've heard this song before and feel it's nostalgic, and quite mellow. Your repetition of "the way you/your..." is reflective and gives this poem character. I feel like the connection you have with this person is unique and something so strong, like this person cares for you even in unexplainable ways. The little facial gestures show that concern or distaste for the things you may do without knowing, forgetting to clean up something or drinking a beer, but the beauty of love is it is a sacrifice. You work on things together, even if one person doesn't like what the other does, it's only the small things, small battles to decide to let go. The ending is heart-wrenching and so abrupt. The effect of "I can't, I can't" shows me how your pain cannot be measured, that however this love passed away, that you are helpless now to bring them back. That teardrop signifies that love and desire to be united again. Profound write, Colm! (4)
I hope this is just some product of imagination... However, there's so many things that are connecting as I am reading this piece. It reminded me of a poem you wrote about "milk" and how this someone left the milk in the bowl... And ate the cereal but still wanted more milk
And right now I'm not sure what to say
Other than if it's what I imagine. I'm sorry.
3 years ago
by Beautiful Soul
The way you strum the readers heart strings is one of a kind. There is so much going on with this piece. The imagery is what stood out to me. You paid attention to the smallest of details. And wrote about what people think are everyday things. There is emotion within each line. Showing each characteristic of both character is not easy to do at all. You make the people come to life. It's really what a marriage is like and it's those everyday annoyances that are very relatable. The wife (I assume) is annoyed with the simplest things. But those last two lines are really what get to you. The man showing real emotion. "I can't I can't" that line will stick with you a long time. The teardrop is the key word I feel because that's the whole poem. What a great write. Nominated. 5/5.