A Short tale

by Milly Hayward   Aug 26, 2016


There is a place, where the sea greets the land
where white bubbled water, washes golden sand
and mermaids comb, their dark silver locks
whilst sitting prettily, on the rocks

There in this quiet, private cove
was where I found, my treasure trove
of crabs and dainty little shells
and snow white corals with little cells

Alas the sun, slowly sinks in the West
dressing the sky, in her very best dress
water is tickling, the soles of my feet
thoughts of my leaving, are bittersweet

Suddenly we hear a shout, lots of noise
we've been discovered, by a group of boys
quickly we scream and jump in the sea
its in our best interest, as mermaids to flee

Now we've been seen, its not safe on the shore
we can never return, not even once more
My legs turn to tail, at one with the sea
and I swim with my sisters, wild and still free

11


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Latest Comments

  • 1 year ago

    by Everlasting

    Enjoyable read. Poor mermaid. It's a bittersweet story. Well done.

  • 1 year ago

    by Brenda

    Milly, I apologize for not seeing this sooner. What a lovely poem! I loved the mermaids and your visuals transport you right there. Beautiful write! Take care-Brenda

  • 1 year ago

    by Milly Hayward

    Thank you all very much for your comments they are always very much appreciated and inspiring - much love Milly x

  • 1 year ago

    by Bradley Peter

    Hello,

    I enjoyed this piece. I thought your wording was wonderful. Looking at it on the whole now, without focusing on anything in particular, I can see such variety in your lines and stanzas. No patterns to the words above and below. I know that sounds like gibberish, but looking at it as such, helps one better understand why it was so edible. Least it does for me.

    Anyway, I very much enjoyed the simplicity, and yet the fantasy of your story. As Meena quite rightly said, it was like Disney mixed with reality.

    I do have two small suggestions. Not that you need follow them of course, but I thought I share. I think you need more syllables on the fourth line of the opening stanzas. I think it's too short in comparison to it's predecessors, and it jars the flow. Perhaps:

    'whilst sitting prettily, upon the pretty rocks'

    or

    'whilst sitting prettily, secluded on the rocks'.

    The second is in reference to the second line of the third stanza. I like how 'dress' is a mirroring of 'dressing' at the start of that line, but I feel it's unneeded. I think it's stronger ending on 'best'. Also, it's a stronger rhyme. But, of course, you'd need to add a word to compensate for the loss of 'dress'. Maybe;

    'dressing the sky, in her absolute best'

    Or something in a similar fashion.

    Regards,

    Bradley

    P.S. Please comment and vote honestly on every piece you read.

  • 1 year ago

    by Augustus Black

    I am including this write in the list of excellent.

    Yes, there was a time in my life when I was very much influenced with mermaids. It became a dream for me to see a real mermaid, if she exists. And then I had done a lot of research on mermaids, I viewed many pages related to mermaid, I watched many videos, but none of them were convenient. In the end I came to the logical conclusion that they exist only in stories and novels not in reality. This poem of yours is taking me back in that phase again. I have heard they suffocate humans out of breathe by taking them down in the depth of ocean.

    This poem is totally full of imagination and its just like a tale. The way you have written is very much appreciable.

    First stanza is delivering out the miraculous domain of mermaids. Throughout this poem you have painted a great scene of nature flow which is making this short tale outstanding.

    Very well written.

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