Guilt, Invisibility, Privilege

by Lauren Crandall   Jul 6, 2017


I’m being pulled in two different directions
Trying to match up to two different sets of perceptions and expectations
Maybe I can’t follow directions
On what I should be
On who I should love
I don’t follow the norm
Navigating this storm
I’m drowning
The heart inside my chest won’t stop pounding
Yearning to be free
I’m aching
My insides are burning
I can’t stand feeling like I’m lying
Inside it’s like I’m dying
to be me
But I feel guilty
feel guilty
Guilty for just being who I am
I feel guilty
For having the ability
to walk hand in hand
with the man that I love
And not hear the whispers or see the stares
I feel guilty
That I can pretend to be without fear
But at night I have the same tears
The struggles I’ve faced throughout the years
They’re pitiful
How would I know what it’s like to be hated?
For just being who I am?
I am, in fact, engaged to a man!
But I’m not straight
See, that’s the hardest part
I’m not gay enough or straight enough
And I feel guilty for this constant nagging
Inside my brain
Get yourself together
There are people who have it worse than you
People who’ve died to live their lives in truth
I feel guilty
For being able to hide
What’s going on inside my mind
It’s easier to pretend
But I want to be free
My struggle is with invisibility
I just want to scream
I’m not straight I’m not straight
But people assume
And I don’t correct them.
I feel guilty--------
For being who I am,
And being able to hide.

4


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Latest Comments

  • 5 months ago

    by Ren

    WOW!!! I have no words! What an amazing write!!

    This absolutely deserves a (<3)^click... love button!

  • 5 months ago

    by Em

    I do like this alot but I feel because the length of the lines are all off that it'd benefit from being central though just me opinion

    Em

    • 5 months ago

      by Lauren Crandall

      Hello!

      My actual formatting is much more chaotic, but that doesn't work on this site. The alignment goes L, R, L, R, L, C, L ,C, L, R, L, C, R, L, R, L, R, C, ... etc. I agree about the lengths of the lines though. It works, in my opinion, better with the differing alignments, but maybe center would be best on here.

      Thanks!

  • 5 months ago

    by CJ Maleney

    All I'm going to say is you have my upmost respect for penning this

    Regards

    Craig

  • 5 months ago

    by mossgirl19

    It's really great to read new post from great old members of this site. So glad to read from you Lauren. This poem is very raw and I can only commend your honesty and boldness to breathe this out. The rhyming is great and it flowed so naturally, coming from your situation.

    • 5 months ago

      by Lauren Crandall

      Thank you so much! I truly appreciate it. I am slowly adding some of the more recent work I've done (hopefully pushing back some of my old drivel a little further into the vault ;) ) I have some other works about my struggle of sexual orientation, but I think this is my favorite thus far. Well, maybe top 3.

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