On arriving home at four in the morning

I've seen the back of your head
enough to know the shape of someone
who doesn't want to turn around.
And worn my soles thin wandering...
wandering
Looking for something to make me feel good again.
There have been enough mistakes
Nestled in your arms
And wrapped up in your crooked smile
Too many to count, even
Because I nodded off back there trying.
I guess I just wanted to be able to say I'd conquered you
Because no one tells me no.

I wasn't sure if I should write you a love poem
Or a testament to the bitterness you inspire
We've reached the crossroads where
"I don't want anything you have to give" intersects
"I want too much from you."
And I'm honestly not sure which cliff I'll end up going over.
I started out confident I couldn't be dragged down your winding roads again
But then, I forgot that sometimes your eyes soften when you look at me
Didn't remember you were familiar with the definition of the word gentle.
And just like that I find you on my mind more and more lately.
It takes so little.

But I don't want to chase after a dream that time carried away
Because when I see you my heart no longer plays percussion against my ribs.
My stomach has overcome the vertigo you used to induce.
What was once a happy jumbled mess in my head
Has given way to the detached logic of someone who could not love you.

I'm leaving your place at two in the morning
Because I can't fall asleep next to someone else
And my tossing and turning will only keep you up all night anyway.
This poetic pretense at insight means nothing
On the two hour drive back home.
White-knuckled and stiff, I'm making my way back fueled by caffeine and disappointment.
Nothing is ever what we want it to be
When we want it to be
Somehow I've misplaced the suitcase full of feelings for you
That I always used to keep around.
Because these days you don't make me feel less alone
You just remind me that I crashed and burned over you
For far too long.