Just tonight.

[breathes.] These comments take a bit of engery from me.
But I lovvvve doing them. ^.^.
Anyways.
"Just tonight I seen your face,
light up on my t.v. screen - -
singing songs to all these children,
but leaving me completely be."
^^^
[-I like the first line...
-But the second line I don't. When you put certain objects in a poem, I believe it takes away from the persons imagination. Instead of saying T.V., I'd describe it in a sentence. But, that's just me. :].
-I love the third line. It's cliche, but yet it's not. Something about it is just beautiful.
-The fourth line makes no sense at ALL. =/.]
"Just tonight I watched you yell,
across the ocean, into the desert
saying you miss your family,
but forgetting any phone calls."
^^^
[-I like the repetition of "just tonight", "I watched you yell" isn't describe, but it's not too bad here.
- I love this second line. It really makes the first line of the stanza stick out and makes "not too bad" turn to "really good". (If that makes any sesne to you.)
-And to combine the last two lines (because they flow so perfectly together) I love them both. They work together like peanut butter and jelly. And I simply love the wording and whatnot. Good job.]

"Just tonight I stated words,
that I never knew existed,
I watched you slit my heart
and burn my organs down."
^^^
[-"I stated words," Nice.. though I would have put "stated <these> words", but that's just me being a grumpy nit-picker. ^.^
-I like the transition from the first line to the second line.. they fit well together.
- And again, combining the last two:
I love, love, love, love the fact you said "slit" instead of "cut" because that sentence was magically not cliche, just because of one word. Go you! ^.^.
And then I love the wording and burning of the organs. Very unique and beautifully explained.]

"Just tonight I cried those tears,
from thoughts such as these,
metaphorically explaining. . .
a dad with a mental disease."
^^^
[-The repitition of "just tonight" really works well in this poem. It just makes everything make sense.
-Again, the second one beautifully flows from the first...
-And (curses, you're making this hard!) again combining the third and fourth stanza:
Brilliant. That's all I can say. Those two are the best two lines you've ever written.]

"One that cannot love,
nor think on his own - -
but, one that makes a living,
but can't pick up the phone. "
^^^
[I Effing LOVE the first two lines..
And the last two lines killed it for me, again.
It's like you try too hard to get your meaning across in the end.. Just let it flow. The rest of your lines are beautifully penned and well thought out.. And it's okay if the poem's a little long.
Seriously, you have a great talent. Your endings could definately be better, but I still love your writing.
xTheEcstasyofSuicidex 5.5

I really like this poem, it is very sad! On the first line, seen should be saw.

"I watched you slit my heart
and burn my organs down."

I don't really think this goes good with the rest of the poem. I think the first line was great but the second went downhill.
Maybe it could be "and tear apart my soul", or something so it would be a better line.
Just some suggestions, otherwise a good poem.