Broken Dreams

I think your poem is good, well writen and i can relate to parts aswell, you have a talent well done hun keep it up Cx 5/5

I lov this poem! i can see were your coming from! my dad thought that partying and getting messed was more important than being with his family! so he just left and i couldn't be happier at this point!

You start off rhyming, but it trails off. I think it would have been better to force the rhymes than to just stop them completely. I don't know if you were rhyming on purpose or not in the first place, but it really threw me off.

We once were a family,
together and so happy
But too blind to see,
that it just wasn't meant to be.
`I felt like it was a weak beginning for such a strong titled poem -- the rhymes are quite clumsy and just seemed forced. The flow starts out rocky.

I remember it like it was yesterday,
Six words that crushed our fate
'we have something to tell you'
thats when I knew.
`I feel like it would sound better as "I remember it like yesterday." It's just a suggestion though, and it's all up to you whether you think it sounds better or not. Again though, it was rocky. The last line was too short and broke it.

Now almost 3 years later,
`Please spell out numbers -- it just doesn't look right.

One would almost think you forgot about us
Aren't we important anymore?
It hurts to know that we aren't number one,
and never will be.
`A cliche ending -- the word "almost" doesn't sound like the best choice to use here.

Overall, it was okay. I feel like the biggest thing is that you need to work on your syllabication -- b ecause that's what's really scrweing with your flow. The piece was raw; emotions were there, but I felt like you were at a lost for words while trying to describe how you felt; the vocabulary, not too great at times, but it did keep my attention, which is good. Just read it over, do a little editing here and there, and it'll be a GREAT poem instead of just ordinary. Try showing some, instead of telling all -- that ALWAYS does the trick. I do look forward to reading more from you though.

--..MiNDYY

Such a lovely poem about family and life.
i love this one because as i read it i can picture what you're try to tell us through your poem.
you did an excellent job with word choice. i will give you a 5/5 with an excellent well done on your poem. keep it up