The Last Thoughts of a Who.re [Collab]

"The silence is so loud, she could just scream. "

==> Brilliant opening line, so contradicting and ironic, yet so perfect. An amazing way to draw the reader into the poem.

"As she sits on the tile of the bathroom floor"

==> Slight minor suggestions;

"As she sits on the [tiled] bathroom floor"

or

"As she sits on the [tiles] of the bathroom floor."

"She was one that was bright, and oh so loved
But as time pasted by reality stuck. She was
Nothing. Her life was a lie. All the money she
Had, everything she gained, was nothing. As every
Night she went on to any guy that came her way. "

==> I like this stanza, the change of flow, and of rhyme scheme. Normally i'm against poems that change so drastically, but I loved it. I loved the short and to the point sentences too. The contrast between the first and second stanza is huge, and it actually works suprisingly.

The only problem I have is that you use the phrase "oh-so..." in stanza 2 & 3, and it sounds a bit odd.

"Needing to feel someone's strong embrace
But when she's done, tears will coat her face"

==> I think this is amazing, and really shows the agony, the desperation to be loved, the needing, that goes through a persons mind. You portrayed the emotions amazingly.

"Just couldn't leave, as day by day the streets called
Her name"

==> the flow of this stanza is slighly off, yet I loved the above line, it shows a lot of insight.

"The crimson pool surrounds her motionless frame
Her hair is thrown over her face to hide her shame
The razor is so small, yet has done so much damage
She tried to live, but this life she couldn't manage"

==> I loved the line "hair is thrown over her face to hide her shame" ; I know what its like to have that shame hanging over you, and I think you conveyed those feelings perfectly. The only critisism I have for this stanza is that I think you jumped too far ahead, I think it would have been better if you had slowly written about her downfall, instead of jumping straight in to this. Also, i'm just being picky, but the word "crimson" is used so often, and I think you could slightly improve that one word.

"So as her face turned pale, her dreams slipped away"

==> I don't know why, but this line jumped out at me. It was amazing, and I think that it reflects one action to the other.

Overall, i'd give you 5+/5. This poem, although the flow and rhyme scheme changes, it works. Your vocabulary is extensive in the majority of place (yes, there are a few alterations you could make to your vocab, but overall, amazing).

Truly great work, you have a lot of talent.

Great job you two =)

<3 A Perfect Lie <3

Horribly true, you guys did good.
liked this part:
The crimson pool surrounds her motionless frame
Her hair is thrown over her face to hide her shame
The razor is so small, yet has done so much damage
5/5

Kind of a sickening read, but very well written. good tag team effort, it worked out really well. I hope to see more.

Nate.

Excellent poem thanks for your comment on "haunting whispers"

Excellent job
5/5

=]