Concrete Clouds

by NyellMoonlight   May 1, 2008


We broke the clouds as music boxes of malevolence
while stone dreams bled pearl honey of bitter concepts;

are you there?

Timeless hands froze carnal mystifications
and my wordplays
carry gloomy metaphors of wretched sorrow,

now,

read between the lines:

Obedience dismantles winged words

and distant stars

shine with power of amethyst dawns,
circling with fragrant delusions, embracing
tales weaved with moonlit needles.

Bestial thunderstorms shape
sacrilege- my addiction- of
inflamed claws which lacerate dreams;

Detuned communication
locked frail translations;
Lanterns burned down
our concrete clouds.

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Latest Comments

  • 15 years ago

    by Brandon Lee

    I love the wording you used for this. It's very beautiful work. Good job.

  • 15 years ago

    by eehcuhhhz

    Although it sounded quite beautiful.

    I didn't understand what you intro meant.
    I was stuck there for a couple of minutes
    Until I decided to continue on...

    I like your format in this poem.
    It's predictable with unpredictability.
    If that make sense.

    For example:
    The body (middle) only has line each.

    It went out smoothly out the mouth.

    This is going to make me sound really stupid.

    But I didn't understand what you were saying at all.

    I'm a person that tries to picture poetry.
    But I couldn't imagine this one.

    Maybe I just didn't spend enough time trying to understand it.
    Or I'm just really stupid, or something.

    But..
    I just don't get it.

  • 15 years ago

    by EssenceOfLace

    Crap. I wrote this long comment then got logged out.
    Okay, I loved the title. It goes with the poem, it's unique, and doesn't give anything away. I like that.
    The beginning immediately drew me in with the "music boxes" metaphor. Though I don't like the word "as" in there. That kind of threw me off while reading it. Maybe something like "into" or "of" Just a suggestion.
    I also loved the format of this poem. the short separate lines were very dramatic with the questioning.

    "Lanterns burned down
    our concrete clouds."

    ^^For some reason it sounds better to me as "burn" instead of "burned". Jsut a suggestion.

    Overall, I really liked this piece. I am still amazed with the title of it. BRAVO!
    5/5
    ~Lace

  • 15 years ago

    by Jenn

    The format is very interesting. I must admit I immediately looked up the word "malevolent" because I had no idea what it meant. I think it's beautifully written from beginning to end. I wish I could say more, but I don't understand what the narrator is saying sometimes. I'll give an example.

    "Timeless hands froze carnal mystifications"

  • 15 years ago

    by shivali

    Shine with power of amethyst dawns,
    circling with fragrant delusions, embracing
    tales weaved with moonlit needles.

    Bestial thunderstorms shape
    sacrilege- my addiction- of
    inflamed claws which lacerate dreams;

    Detuned communication
    locked frail translations;
    Lanterns burned down
    our concrete clouds.

    most beautifully written............

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