O' The Trophy Bearer

"Late afternoon, watch the raven as he circles.
Watch as the tide turns and as winds change,
Watch as your mood is gone with your poise.
You're eloquent, still, with those glassy eyes."
>lovely! the description of the raven and the atmosphere you described was simply amazing. i could see it vivdly as i read it...

"I'd yearn to see more, hear more, feel more
Of you, of this 'anything' that we share."
>these lines are so captivating. the emotion ii completely relate to...
"But it is known across lands; it should never be,"
>so much truth in this line. and sadness.
"If it were to be, would the urgency still exist?"
>powerful question. the anticipation for an answer we might not agree to is flawless..
i truly love your style.

"Oh, but I now remember that urgency is wasted,
What once was urgent turned into the apathetic.
Maybe we'd learn from these mistakes of the uncaring,
Removing ourselves from these words altogether."
>wow...this line too my breath away...the pain and the bluntness of your words was impossible to describe. it makes so much sense.

"We could fly and on our journeys, let us pass cities of night
Glowing yet covered with shadow as tough they have a secret,
An exciting one; that would make the mute sing out loud.
They will hear our voices as we laugh in the thick night air."
>you really have amazing talent and the way you choose your words is that of a true poet!
lovely stanza, flawless, descriptive, and flowing with emotion...

"Back on ground, we know that secrets won't charm anyone,
And the secret of the shadows is one I keep myself."
>another flawless line.
"The raven crows, it knows all too well,"
>ok this is a little confusing. probably you can reword it...or maybe rewrite it like this>"The raven knows it all to well."
a raven and a crow seem the same, but they are different. you can tell by their beak..the raven has a curved beak and the crow has a straigth beak...
also the meaning of this line was wonderful and i like the way you give the bird of death apart on this story makes dark yet, real enough for people to relate to it.
"This secret is dreams are lies, vented through a poet's word."
>this is a very nice ending, but i think you could of done a little better with it. it lacks the sadness of the whole poem. and doesn't quite flow as well as the other lines in the poem.
and maybe you can reword it like this>"This is a secret, where dreams are lies, vented from a poet's life." or maybe you can do a better job with it.

Anyway the whole poem was amazing!
the idea and your unique style are truly captivating!
keep it up!
you are an amazing talented poet!

**Ada**
*aBSwaBHiaPL*

Emotion was there, felt slighty forced, but still a good write hun.... 4/5

Sincerely,
Elizabeth

I noticed the title as soon as I saw it as Jamies Elsewhere, eye catching it is.
The first stanza was great. At first I thought 'watch' could have been written too much, but I re-read it and it sounded good. I like the pause for 'still' on the last line, it added flavour. I like it.
The second stanza.. I like how the word anything has apostrophies, it puts emphasis on what you really meant there, well put. And oh-so-relatable. I think possibly in the last line it could be
'If it were, would the urgency still exist?'
Something about the 'to be' part, was too similar to the 'be' in the line before that. I don't know.. maybe I'm being picky :P
And with the third one, I get a bit worse, eep. I'd change it a bit.. so that urgency and urgent aren't used as much. Seeing as you said it in the second stanza, and then you say it twice again in this one, it's a bit much. But I definately like what you are saying here. Especially the second line;
'What once was urgent turned into the apathetic.'
Life does get like that and until someone points it out, like you did here, you hardly even notice it happens.
Now the fourth stanza, it was so visual, and I really enjoyed that. I realised that the second line you wrote 'tough' instead of 'though'. I got so confused as what you meant, but then I realised you just missed the h. Haha. But yeah, overall, I loved that stanza, especially the second line, the mix of the visual and meaning put into it. Clever (:
Ah it's a mix with the last stanza. I looooved it. But I think secret was said to much. And I know that is SO hard to change, especially when you need it to make it make sense, but hmm. It is still my favourite stanza. The last line.. genious. Summed up the poem and was just an amazing line.
Overall I liked this piece. Maybe I'm just a bit too picky sometimes.

xo

I didn't find the poem to bad, I thought it was written very well but maybe a bit dull as it didn't seem to grab my attention to much at the beginning. The ending was strong though and made up for it 5/5 :)

I love the vibe given from this.