Sliding against the edges
Pricked, a withdrawel of blood
Travels the finger's length
Poised against the tragic pen
^^ A solid start. The flow is a little hard to pick up on, but that's not a problem. I typically read poems as lyrics, so that's all me. As far as the words themselves go, I see no problem. Mechanically though, the lack of commas threw me off. But like I said, it doesn't ruin the experience. So far, great start, really draws me in.
I am inked within the backdrop
Of Yesterday's Eyes. Of words
Tracing Tomorrow's curved mouth.
Against the sheets crinkled to touch my palm.
Clatter. I am Gone.
^^ I like this stanza as far as content goes, and the intro line "I am inked within the backdrop" really leaves the reader open to questions, the only problem I have is with its arranged. Its hard to follow a bit. But, other than that, its another great stanza.
Sorry if I seem a bit harsh. I don't mean to. Its a great piece, really. I've always been one for dark pieces anyways, so the overall vibe really suits my reading tastes. Its a deep and intricate little write, and I could see where one could draw many different meanings from it.
Hmmm. I read this a couple of times to truly grasp its feeling and I'm still not sure if I did.
"Pricked, a withdrawel of blood"
^I think you mean "withdrawal"
"Of Yesterday's Eyes. Of words
Tracing Tomorrow's curved mouth."
^I'm not sure why you capitilized "yesterday" and "tomorrow" but what I got from it is that they are so significant in life and thats how you showed its importance. Yesterday makes us who we are today with its experiances whereas tomorrow is what we strive for and hope for what we want to be. I could have interpreted this totally differently but thats what I saw.
When you said you were "inked by yesterday" that gave me the image of yesterday is always going to a part of you no matter if we like it or not.
Very deep poem you have here full of meaning and I think I just got the jist of it. Nonetheless I enjoyed taking a stroll through your mind.