Relapse

Stop banging the drum inside my pulsing head.
This constant beating, still aimlessly breathing, why can't I be dead?
Alive supposedly.
That's what they keep telling me.
From what I've learned, what I'm doing can't be considered living.
Day to day.
Fight with no strive.
Knife to wrist.
Please tell me this painful numbness is right.
Band aids hiding sharp blades just what I need, to feel no pain.
Don't glare at me, because you won't find a source.
I know I'm screwed up save the remorse.
Trying to break my disturbed mentality.
Your impossible insanity is my daily reality.
Just once I'd like to drown you in my dreams.
Just once, and you might understand me.
I'm addicted and rehab is a waste.
What I have can't be erased.
I don't do it for the high, or super psychotic rush.
I do it so my heart doesn't crush, against my ribs sending pieces through my blood stream and out of my mouth while I'm silently, secretly formulating my last scream.
This is my dream.
There is no happiness.
There is no peace.
It's just ME!
With the same old fading to be bold heartbeat.
I'll get better, I always do.
But it never matters, because temporarily I'll be normal just like you.
Smile and laugh.
Until I just snap!
Tears streaming down, nobody around.
I can't feel the razor grazing the skin.
Cutting deeper trying to slice what's depressing me within.
Alone I'll lie, praying to whomever to just let me die.
I don't want a second chance confined to the dark, while the old times come back.
I'm not an addict.
I'm a relapse.