Warrior Watchcat

Wow, this is a really cool poem. your metaphores are interesting. you use such description. i really like it. good job

Neat poem, Luanne.

'God of war, lion-like and ferocious
standing boldly to slay-
beasts that roam with forked-tongue.'

Okay opening - wasn't keen on the telling in the first line, since you're revealing a metaphor, you could use the characteristics of the lion to make it seem more realistic. To simply say 'he is like a lion', isn't enough, and I don't think 'ferocious' is enough. I think you could have a better word than 'beasts' for the snakes too, since a lion is a beast and it doesn't really posess a positive nor negative connotation in that respect.

'Woe shall come upon evil spirits
by the sword that pierces darkness ...'

Thought the language here was good; the use of 'pierces' was sharp. The tense remained present throughout which was a slightly different touch to suggest almost a documentation. It's as if you're narrating over what Bes is doing. Nice touch.

'He shall -
Protect unborn souls
from nefarious smog that lingers
deep and ugly. Guarding the fertility
bed for those weak in fruitfulness. '

Replace the dash with a colon since it's about to tell us what 'shall' happen. 'Shall' could also be replaced since you used it in a similar context two lines above. Liked how you used the language here yet 'deep and ugly' contrasted with the better imagery above. It's almost as if you ran out of steam at the end. 'Deep and ugly' could be replaced with a single, stronger adjective.

'Gentle lion-
To man of pure air.
Destructive roar-
To man of wickedness.'

Temps is wrong to suggest dashes have no job in poetry. Of course they do; I think they are well fitted here as it allows for a pause to show the contrast clearer. I think (before) these lines, the dashes are unneeded though. Liked the contrast of beast and man here, you juggled a few meanings and it could have been hit or miss.

'Let not the eye be blinded by shock!
Beneath the tunic, shield and sword. ,
beats the heart-
of a Warrior Watchcat.'

Nice ending! Summed it up well with some crisp language; somewhat archaic too, and the catchiness of the 'w' in warrior watchcat was a nice finish.

Good work, Luanne :)

Well the picture of this God and then the description of who he really was suppose to be just goes to show that true beauty is only skin deep. This was an awesome challenge so informative and interesting. You did an excellent job from the flow, amazing word choice, the metaphors and the descriptions. Fantastic! I love how you can make people see the beauty within!

Luanne,

First of all I want to say thanks for having a go at this challange. I know that you didn't know much about mythology and i'm glad you had a try. By reading this piece I can tell that you really have learnt about Bes and i'm sure you are teaching people along the way. This was a truely fantastic read and spot on about Bes. Well done.

"God of war, lion-like and ferocious
standing boldly to slay-
beasts that roam with forked-tongue."

I loved how you started this piece with the description of Bes. You started by initally introducing Bes as the God of War and then went on to describe his features. I loved how you represent Bes as a lion, that was wonderful in my opinion. Indeed the way he was described is exactly like a lion with a tongue that was forked like a snake. Well done of portraying some interesting imagery here. I adored it.

"Woe shall come upon evil spirits
by the sword that pierces darkness ..."

Here, I love how you portray how Bes is a God who defends good here and slays evil. You make your reader aware of what Bes is God of. I believe you are teaching within every line of this piece.

"He shall -
Protect unborn souls
from nefarious smog that lingers
deep and ugly. Guarding the fertility
bed for those weak in fruitfulness."

Here you portray Bes and his protection to mother and children. I like how you reinforce his connection to what his beliefs are. You make the audience understand Bes, and you made me see him on a whole new level. Again I love the word choice, you wrote a piece to me that could be in a mythology book describing Bes.

"Gentle lion-
To man of pure air.
Destructive roar-
To man of wickedness."

The lines above then show a beautiful side of Bes, how he also protects, but not only that. You show Bes as a lion yet again to show his beauty which lay gently within his hearts. Lions are seen as vicious but they are only that way in order to protect themselves, and family and to survive. You show not only that they have a lovely side, and are one of the most beautiful creatures in the world, but you show this about bes too.

"Let not the eye be blinded by shock!
Beneath the tunic, shield and sword. ,
beats the heart-
of a Warrior Watchcat."

I loved this stanza, expecially the first line because Bes was not the most beautiful God created in my eye and when I look at him I think how could he possibly of been a God. In my opinion he doesn't have the beauty the Greek Gods have ect but deep down he has a beautiful heart. He is a protector of children and rids the world of evil. The whole last line was a beautiful stanza to him. It shows appreciation. Not to mention your word choice was actually elegant in itself. You made Bes seem like such a wonderful person. I believe you have portrayed him perfectly.

Overall this was such a fantastic read. I loved everything from your description to your metaphors. Excellent write and an amazing read. Well done. -Mel

I found it really hard to comprehend this poem..lol
the mythology challenge is not very easy, but you did a great job here hun.

Let not the eye be blinded by shock!
Beneath the tunic, shield and sword. ,
beats the heart-
of a Warrior Watchcat.

this stanza was really good, especially the first line..I absolutely have no criticism.
Well done hunn !!
I myself would never dare to write such a piece hehe.
Write on~