Fallen Angel~Song

Verse 1:
The devil has crept inside me,
And found permanent rest,
He now controls my every move,
Forcing his very best.

-- Creepy. Like really creepy. I imagined Satan crawling inside of me and just living there. *Shivers* I don't think anyone would want that to happen, but I could be wrong. <.<

Verse 2:
I used to close my feelings off,
For no one else to read,
But I soon shattered the shield,
And took the front lead.

-- I think a lot of people cover their feelings up, but it's good to like them out. Be honest with yourself and everyone else. I've been trying to do that. It's better.

Chorus:
I am a falling angel,
Leaning toward the dark side,
I am a sinking battleship,
Nearing the abyss.

-- Aww.. I was really expecting it to rhyme. It kind of disappointed me, but it's a song so it probably sound much better when you're singing it. Just wish I could hear.

I am a human dying,
Cursed with a disease,
I am a changing soul,
Morphing into evil.

-- Wow. The first line was really blunt. I liked that, and I reeaallyy liked the use of the word disease. It's like saying evil is a disease.

Verse 3:
Soon the process will be complete,
And I'll never again be me,
No longer will I have to live,
My days in low degree.

-- The last line sounds a little forced. ><

Verse 4:
Things are much better this way,
No matter what is said,
My view is quickly altering,
Ready for what lies ahead.

-- Oooh. Your mind set is changing in this stanza thinking that it's better to be evil instead of sad. I think that's what's happening at least.

Chorus:
I am a fallen angel now,
Standing on the dark side,
I am a sunken battleship,
Living in the abyss.

I am a dead human,
Who became the disease,
I am a fully changed soul,
Who was morphed into evil.

-- I really like the slight changes here. What was in the process of happening before has already happened now.

Verse 5:
My thirst for revenge will soon be quenched,
For I have joined the infamous,
Fallen angels.

-- Great ending.

I loved it. I just wish I could have heard it. :]

Keep writing.
Cayce

Goodbye all that I once knew,
I never will return,
My purpose here is true,
This is who and what I am.
^^I think what you meant was through instead of true.....

A very creatively done...I liked the structure and rhymed beaurifully too although there were some stanzas that dint. The contents and title suited well..You managed to focus on the title...Well done..

'The devil has crept inside me,
And found permanent rest,
He now controls my every move,
Manipulating me.'
`I didnt like the repetition of me at the end of this stanza - it threw the flow off for me. I know that you dont really have much of a rhyme scheme here.. but maybe say.. 'Manipulating...at my best.' - Does that make sense?

'I used to close my feelings off,
For no one else to read,
But I soon shattered the shield,
To invite others in.'
`Loved 'shattered the shield' .. very unique way of saying you let people in.

'I am a sinking battleship,
Nearing the dim abyss'
`Sinking battleship may be a little cliche, but nonetheless well done

Well done! Definatly something different and in a genre I dont normally see you write in. Its nice to see you stepped out of the box with this one. Good job

Wow.....

I dind't see that one coming!
Impressive work, MaryAnne....

I am not a fan of dark poetry, but this is really good ( you are good, ha ha)

I am a fallen angel now,
Standing on the dark side,
I am a sunken battleship,
Living in the dim abyss.
^^

This could never be you, you are as bright and cheerful as the sun itsself:)

Good work, girlie:)

*hugs*

5/5 Ingrid