Friends that sees me as a stranger ..

by Flynel   Oct 20, 2010


I have been on this road for years
Always fighting to get it all well
But I always lose more than I even receive
No one know ever sees trough this
Sparkle of loneliness in my eyes
Is this what I deserve after all those years?
Some friends who has forgotten me
Dint even know my last name
Tell me
Is that called real friendship?
Cause what I always believed was
Real friends are people who stays beside you
Even when you are not feeling that well
But thats not what I see
I see people who stands across the road
Looking at me like
Hmm do I know that girl?
Yes you know me
Remember that one day we met !?
Well this road isnt what I expected when I took it
I miss to have people around me who does care
People who knows my last name
That will stay beside me
Even when its not always going the way as it should
Maybe I have to make a new direction
Something brand new
With people
Who wont look at me as a stranger ..

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  • 14 years ago

    by Larry Chamberlin

    In Friends' it appears you are in voice. I believe you have rendered a good vernacular, but one you could improve for internal consistency.
    As examples of what I see as your voice:
    - your use of number: "friends who has" "people who stays" "people who stands"
    - compressed contractions: Dint thats isnt wont
    - unconventional syntax: "get it all well " "No one know ever" "I miss to have "
    There are some typos that don't fit, though:
    - more than I ever* receive
    - sees through* this

    I think you could improve it by playing the poem silently in your mind, listening to your voice, changing spellings to match what this person would actually say. Pay attention to your grammatical structure. Right now it's post high school, while your voice is somewhere in her mid-to-early teens.
    I hate to say 'dumb it down,' maybe 'less sophistication' would express it better.

    You have beautiful gems embedded throughout <Sparkle of loneliness in my eyes> <Yes you know me . . Remember that one day we met !?>

    I enjoy the rock hard individualism of your poetry.

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