Artful Whimper

by Sunshine   Jan 26, 2011


In the narrow seas that part
from within the wearied vessels of my
sapless heart,

lasts a homeless wind, whose howls
are richly fraught with grief
wondrously, yet sensibly stealing
my timeless beats

drawing me home on the back of
fragile wavelets, neighboring wet
touches, as I fetch endlessly these
mad boundaries toward the narrow seas

that part from within the wearied tunnels
of my sapless heart,
bellowing, neighing about the night's
treason, that tends to be the sun's latest dress

by: Rania Moallem

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  • 13 years ago

    by Zar Eldeen

    In the narrow seas that part
    from within the vessels of my
    sapless heart,
    ^^^^
    I like this "biological" side of your opening, I think it shows that sadness often come with a quasi-physical heart pain.

    lasts a homeless wind, whose howls
    are richly fraught with grief
    ^^^^
    for me the saddest part

    wondrously, yet sensibly stealing
    my timeless beats
    ^^^^
    uh...hum... sorry I don't understand lol, BUT I notice the use of "wondrously" which strangely contrasts... but maybe you wanted this?
    I think "timeless" and "beats" match perfectly, the mixing notions of infinite and regularity always make something deliciously indescribable in my mind lol

    drawing me home on the back of
    fragile wavelets, neighboring wet
    touches, as I fetch endlessly these
    mad boundaries toward the narrow seas
    ^^^^
    most beautiful part!

    that part from within the vessels
    of my sapless heart,
    ^^^^
    I agree with that comment about repetition, and recalling the opening is a good way to make somehow a "time cycle" which can intensify the sad feeling demonstration.

    I'm aware that -for now- I CAN'T understand all the subtleties of a poem which is written in a foreign language.
    My comments are probably useless, but I tried to comment it because I have to learn from others, and after the first reading (so without knowing all words) I already found your poem interesting.

  • 13 years ago

    by Sunshine

    Well no bet i didnt mean that lol am not writing a poem to explain something regarding biology lol

  • 13 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    In the narrow seas that part
    from within the vessels of my
    sapless heart,
    ^I agree with the one comment on removing 'the' before vessels, its a filler you don't really need to have. I liked this, but then again it didn't really have anything extremely special to it. Typically a vessel when opened does release water, of course their are other kind of vessels and all - however, maybe you weren't aiming for originality here so I'll let you off the hook here, but I thought it would have been interesting to have a more intriguing opening.

    You had some interesting vocabulary throughout, some words I don't typically see but they were used in an effective manner. I thought the repetition was different, but it worked. A lovely title, too.

  • 13 years ago

    by Jad

    I would love to give you edit helps but you know as well as I know that I won't. Nana, I mean seriously you had me to tears in my eyes and could be due to how I'm really over pressured right now but I still think this piece held such a sad tone and it continually was brought back up throughout the poem giving life to this poem as one reads it. I was taken away with each stanza as I went through it and I really could feel and hear the message you were crying out in this poem. The poem itself was flawless and I think perfect how I read it. The structure was good and I could easily read through the poem with clarity.

    "lasts a homeless wind, whose howls
    are richly fraught with grief
    wondrously, yet sensibly stealing
    my timeless beats"

    That had to be my favorite part in your poem. I found it held its own in the poem without the aide of another stanza and also the imagery is something else in this part. I like your word usage as well. You seem to be able to place your words in your poem to give them the best message.

    All in all, I really think this has to be one of my favorites by you and I hope you continue to keep this poetic talent up and I also hope to see some happier poems from you so I can get am overwhelming happy felling inside! :]

    Anyway before I ramble on forever, I just to tell you one last time that you have blown me away with your work as always. Great job and keep writing. :]

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