Drowning To Be Loved

I've read lots of poems that say "you're my everything" in fact have said those words myself. But you brought it to a whole new light :-) Interesting write that I enjoyed and very very original
Connie

A beautiful heart wrenching write. The last stanza was so well crafted.

Incredibly talented, 5/5!

mandy :)

I liked parts of this, it was quite interesting. But as I read I saw some things that I would change if it were my poem, so I said I would tell them to you. Sometimes the line structure seems a little random and off-putting. For example:

words I recite too
often. What do they
^^
Why put 'often' on the next line here? To me it would sound better and more natural if included in the top line. The technique works well in other places its just you have to be careful with it and it can be hard to know when to start/end lines when writing in this way.

every second of the present.
^^
This line seemed unnecessary, especially 'of the present.' It is obvious you are talking about the present so there is no need to state it.

Also, there seemed to be at times too many different images. E.g

the wrinkles in my
sheets after a sleepless
night? Are you the heat
from the sun that teases
me on the beach? Are
you my laugh, my
tears, my blood, my
sweat?
^^
There are six or seven images in this short piece, and it gets a little confusing for the reader.

A fairy tale romance to
the blind, except I'm the
one without eyes.
^^
This seems contradictory, 'a fairy tale romance to the blind,' implies that the romance is suited to and exists in blind people, but that is contradicted by the next part. The image of you giving him your eyes is a little gooey lol. I know its not literal but it is worded so directly that as I read it, I got that image in my head. It kind of came suddenly.

only for my
soul to be the victim
of this war.
^^
This seems a little dramatic. Its just a pet peeve of mine that I dont like the use of the word 'soul' in poetry.

for your deep rejection
^^
When is rejection not deep? In the context of the poem so far the rejection is deep, so using the word deep itself is unnecessary. using adverbs like that need to be unusual or add something the reader didnt know before to have a chance of working well.

How could you not be everything?
^^
My favourite line, it sums up how you feel towards him very well, how you hold him in such high regard/think about him frequently. And its not direct saying somethin like 'I hold him so dearly,' for example.

I just thought Id mention these points because I think the poem could be improved if some of them were considered, but of course its yours to do with what you like :)
Colm

I loved it. Its a magnificent write.

I admired the closing and the opening.. What a wonderful piece!