Homeless Within

Ms Sunshine i truely love your poem i have written a few but only one do i have posted on this site would you be so kind as to read it for me and give me your thoughts - i ask because your poem reach inside me and i would really lke to hear from someone who can truely write what they think of my verse

Kindest regards

This was deffinetly one of your more colorful poems with a lot more imagery that really brings out the sadness in this piece. :] Your word choice is always good as you try and refrain from using too many big words that might mess up the flow since I woulld have to quit reading and see what that word meant. :P So good job keeping it simplistic for me. ;] Many emotions and metaphors that I found very heart wrenching.

I tired the hours wandering
nearby saddened forests;
branches stretching aimlessly
their brown naked peaks,
^^^^
I really liked this as it gave me a picture of someone who walks aimlessly about not knowing what to do. Trying to find a place you belong yet the forst only holds in sadness you already know. Loved this opeing part!!!

Trailing clouds that lost
my shades within its shades,
^^^^
This was very poetic and the imagery was creative to no end. :] I loved the way I could see ones shadow being erased by that of a deeper pain that completely overshadows your pain.

(approaching home)
for anywhere that's disowned might
genuinely, genuinely be mine...
^^^^
This really wrapped the poem up in these last three lines. You can sense this person has found a solace in plaves that have no meaning or no residents their since they have no home or place to stay. Wonderful and strong ending. :]

In all, I was really taken away with this poem and I loved it from the begining to end. Your words come from the heart and so many people can relate to this. Many people feel lost inside and can't find a plave they belong but one day they will find a plave so keep that chin up. Great job and keep writing! :]

"wandering
in saddened forests"

^ is the speaker wandering more than one forest here? I doubt it. Also saying "saddened" is too telling, you an actually provide a symbolism there which could both emote sadness and describe the forest thoroughly... in this case, I'd change "in" to maybe "beneath" to show depth and more loneliness. Example: "beneath the shadows" is more haunting and darker than "in the shadows"

Visualize a forest that may connote sadness, yet don't make it abstract and irrelevant like "sad" or "weeping" because the use of personification fits more on adverbs. So is the forest absent of sound where it is only your breathing you can hear? Maybe the branches are naked and skinny...

"who also failed to
build tangible nests."

^ is it relevant to switch the attention of the poem to that of the birds? And does the reader need to know this?

You must take out parts that are unecessary. If you like the verse/line that you've made, you can always reserve that to a later poem, but don't shoehorn pieces that aren't needed.

"Trailing clouds that lost
my shades within its shades"

^ a bit unclear here. Are you saying that the clouds that shade the speaker from light (the moon maybe) is rapidly moving, and the speaker wants to remain shaded? Anyway, you can word it better, I'd be happy to help, I'm just sure what you really want to say there.

the second stanza is missing something. THe poem is under the "sadness" theme, and you did right by putting the "woods" or "night forest" metaphor here. Al though a bit overly used in literature already. No harm though. But you can try extending the tools of the metaphor to gather more weapons for your poem.

How about bringing in a swamp image, or owls descending down the misty air? Crackling leaves the sound of a shovel digging a grave? Maybe the whirring sound of the wind sounds like an old lullaby from a distant memory; one that reminds the reader of his/her mother.

Just a few tips you don't have to follow now for your poem, but maybe they could help you in future writing.

I'll stop here for now. :)

Perfect analysis :)

I absolutely love that first stanza, and thought it was the best with the images and the sadness. You, just as the trees and birds are alone, without any specific place to call your home. A drifter.

I like the idea of tangible nests - it brings the thought of "home is where the heart is", even though you may not have formidable walls and a roof over your head (heart).

I know this isn't about being homeless as you aren't, but more of the alone feeling. That you are lost in this path of life and cannot seek a way out, but you will stay overnight with other wanderers to find solace and some sort of comfort/company. I LOVE the ending of the second stanza "might never own the woods". Ahhhhh. Beautiful imagery.

The beginning of your third stanza is so sad...hollow halls = empty promises by those who are close to you. Right? Lol

The very ending is brilliant, you will grasp anything that someone doesn't want, because you possibly feel that you deserve someones leftovers or "seconds".. which I disagree :)

This is a beautifully written piece filled with such moving sadness!