Beyond the Fence

I was touched by the opening stanza..

"breathing turns to a useless habit without you.."
^ this is such a simple thought yet so fervent and expressing..

""Ruined memories repress my inner growth,
unable to lie tranquilly until we restore our
forever."
^ what a gloomy thought

... a pride that stands
elevated like a conceited mountain holding
all the weights of the world-that painfully
kills pushes leaves...perhaps already left you.
^ I love the end, too...

Excellent write.. with such clear harmony between you, both..
I always find DARK-SAD poems brilliant.. in every aspect.
So expressive
!!

Nana, Natalie, you both did a great job.

The sadness throughout the piece is what made me read it again, then comment. As I found the lines and images quite depressing, the flow is undoubtedly great, and I respectfully disagree with Hellon, because the poem is not all about the structure and the wording, and your poem held so much emotions that were too deep to portray, at least, in my opinion, but you two could describe everything I would want to describe while writing such a piece, I am not saying that it is your best, Nana, nor your best, Natalie, but I for some weird reason, loved it the most, I couldn't even find my favorite line, because they all had subtle meanings, as well as the title that captivated me, and got me inspired.

"My dreams softly dilute into nightmares as
breathing turns to a useless habit without you."

here, I loved the insertion of "dilute". You used it in order to not repeat "turn" twice, and that was smart. I so love the 2nd line, so, SO sad.

"Ravenous waves devastate the silky surface
of my mind's ocean. It cannot be it, not yet
not the moment to consider farewell."

can I just say that this was nothing but perfect and go on? because this is the truth, I found it endlessly well-done no matter what others may think but the emotions made me about to cry, the idea itself about denying the farewell is truly creative, I couldn't help but add this poem to my favorites, then rate it five and if I had votes left, I would nominate it because it is a winner in my eyes.

"Currents disturb my journey with passion
promising me that the cloudburst isn't over-"

a comma after "passion" needed?

the same thought described in a different way, awesomeness.

"Ruined memories repress my inner growth,
unable to lie tranquilly until we restore our
forever."

I LOVED the inner growth part, I loved it!
but I have one suggestion: "lie tranquilly" is over-used, if you guys replace it with something else would be better! :) maybe I'm not a fond of the word "tranquil" whenever I read it, I remember Physics, LOL. but other than that, this part was very amazing.

"Perchance to awake to the hums of your
voice, like a mirage at the back of my mind."

oh, how many times I have felt this way...and you both wrote some strong lines that deeply describe that moment, when you deny what happened, and try to convince yourself that he is coming back and... this is just too deep. "Mirage" was a very well-placed word that says the whole thought, brilliantly.

"Chaotic, chaotic with a spirit that needs
craves Wants you,"

I don't know why you capitalized the "W" but correct it.

"and a pride that stands
elevated like a conceited mountain holding
all the weights of the world-that painfully
kills pushes leaves...perhaps already left you."

what a stunning ending! I liked the metaphor here, where you assimilated your pride to the mountains that hold all the weight of earth...
in all, some may think this needs a little bit editions, for me it doesn't, it is perfect te way you wrote it, and... feature it ;)

With Love.

I absolutely LOVED working with you! Fast, effective and extremely talented!!

Definitely a lot of feeling in this one!!

I think we'll have to do it again soon, it was too much fun!!

Natalie :)

Http://www.poems-and-quotes.com/sad/poems.php?id=1169542

^^ please copy the comment there too :)

thanks