I really enjoyed this piece. You place the reader directly in the middle of the scene, so much so, that it is almost uncomfortable-- as if eavesdropping on a lover's spat.
Like Danny, I feel that "to whisper you flowery nuances" is clumsy and even grammatically incorrect. You might be able to whisper flowery nuances TO someone (if flowery nuances were something you could whisper.)
Overall, the way you have written this is a bit choppy and could be smoothed out IMO.
Here's a few suggestions:
If you think I would wait for you here,
beneath this rain-soaked parasol,
you must also think I would still like
to whisper flowery phrases in your ears
or tickle your toes with my toes.
There are other things I could be doing,
instead of re-reading dim graffiti or
listening to the slumber of the city...
I could be busy dreaming...
I could be occupying the process
I wont say much after Dannys comment, except forr...almost a professional poet..no maybe you are.. well msg is: this is perfect.
7 years ago
I love that you used the word parasol, and if you see that in one of my poems, don't feel I am copying you, you have just inspired me lol. I love the idea of it, to me it feels so feminine, and when you make it 'rain soaked', it seems so... doom and gloom. It gives me a stark image of a lonely person on a sidewalk, waiting.. why else would they stand in the rain forever?
I actually liked the flowery nuances. I thought it gave a certain feel to how the poem was supposed to be. You don't want that lovey-dovey stuff that you used to do back when you FELT the love.
I think the ending was the best, about occupying the process of unbelieving. Probably because I feel it really fits into my personal life right now so I could emotionally connect to it. I thought that was a really great ending that could potentially open up for a lot more, but I like how you ended it.