Going To Mamma

This piece may belong to the darkness in addition to sad category. Some parts seem to be little forced but the flow is acceptable. I enjoyed reading it.
Great job.

I think this poem is very good, it was very dark in places but this gave it a bit of a mystic feel. some parts seemed a little forced but nothing that a few word changes couldnt resolve. all in all very good job . xx

Thank Mellow! :) and yeah it was a poem i made it in math so u know why lol

Thank Mellow! :) and yeah it was a poem i made it in math so u know why lol

Walking in darkness my mind askew
in Search for something new
Looking for mother's cold embrace
Something lost to the tune of everyday

(this stanza was nicely dark. refreshing really. the rhyme scheme was a little forced and in the last two lines it didn't seem to rhyme at all)

Dark red lips kiss you with untold passion
Memories start to slip away from your mind
Darkness comes and kisses you goodbye
Unaware of the many threats that are around you just dance around

(you used "around" twice, I wouldn't know what to do with this line, overall, it was still in continuity of the dark aspects of the first. there was no noticeable rhyme scheme that i could find)

Here and there are creatures that want to steal your very soul
Caught in the ashen midst of danger, you stop and stare
Starting to run as if you very life depended on (?)

(great imagery here, yet doesn't seem cannon with the rest of the poem, no rhyme scheme could be noticed)

just running towards that "safe place" that your mother once told you to go when there was a monster out there to get you

Closing the door to that safe cabin of paradise
Staring out of the window to know that you're completely safe you breathe with confidence once again
Smiling to mother you say "Mom I'm finally home"

(all of this stanza seems entirely forced, with absolutely no rhyme scheme present)

it seems the overall story is a boy looking for his mother in the midst of darkness and danger, great little story, really imaginative and lovely. the overall rhyme scheme was completely lacking if at all, in total this was not your best work, as i have read many of your others. perhaps re-write this into something that makes more poetic sense? although i do like how you didn't include and "I's" like your role is just a narrator, in that respect this was good. like you weren't forced to be apart of the story, all in all i think this has the making of a great poem, it just needs to be worked on, also I included some proper grammar that the original rendition lacked