His Fathers Heart
by ah satan 666 Feb 4, 2013
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He's gone. |
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Latest Comments
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12 years ago
by shakil ahmed
Metaphors and similes appears to be forcibly over done.
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12 years ago
by Baby Rainbow
Oh this is so powerful!
I like the opening being just He's gone. It clearly shows me how much sadness this will hold.
You then go on to tell it like a story but in such a metaphoric way and use examples that are so clear to relate to.
You single out the line:
No ointment ever made to numb this pain.
- I think this is powerful because it gives a pause for thought of the pain that you would feel and how nothing ever seems to take it away from you or make it hurt any less.
Stuck in this vortex of recent living.
My only stimulant has been adding irregular bricks to my walls of solitude,
as the audacious try to invade my cerebrum cell.
Leaving me frozen over and disfigured to my surroundings,
like a child playing tetris on a games consul...
I just want to be left alone.
- I really felt these words here and how isolated you feel so you begin to make this reality and close off from those around you. It shows truly what it is like to lose someone and I can relate to this so so much it has made me very teary.
His cool, soft touch, would soothe my hastening heart...
as if it were his occupation to extinguish my everlasting blaze.
- these lines showed what the relationship was based on and how much you both meant to each other and how he made you feel. I think this is such a beautiful love story although sad. It really touches me in a deep place and I find myself lost inside your words today.
His little zircon he'd call me.
Not your typical diamond in the rough.
Yet, still a rare find with intensive fire
that made me guilty of melting his heart.
Giving me heartfelt sentimental value,
over a strict corporal mentality.
- I really connected to this part because I once asked my fiance why he was with me when he could have someone much better and his reply was that he was lucky enough to be given a very rare and special diamond and he would be a fool to trade it in for something else.
He's gone.
No ointment ever made to numb this pain.
Ground hog day enters a new twenty-four hours.
Stuck in this vortex of recent living.
My only stimulant
has been adding irregular bricks to my walls of solitude,
as the audacious try to invade my cerebrum cell.
Leaving me frozen over and disfigured to my surroundings...
- I like repetition but I like it more here because you have summed up the main emotions and points of the poem, the dark pain inside and how you feel, before you go on to twist the story and offer a bit of hope and happiness. This is really like.
As for your ending, this is just beautiful and it shows how much one tiny life can change and save someones life. It is so touching to know that this man will live on through their child and that his heart is still alive... wow.
I do truly love this and cant tell you how much this speaks to me! Thank you xx
