Ten and seven

by Jenni Marie   May 16, 2013


It's been ten days since I painted and seven since I decided to stop poisoning myself, and today I can feel my resolve wavering a little for I don't feel as strong emotionally or mentally as I did yesterday or the day before. And I can hear you whispering to me, "just one wont hurt," each time my willpower slips a little bit. But you should know something: I'm not going to listen to you any longer. I made my decision ten days ago to get myself better and nothing you whisper into my ears will convince me to change my mind.

You might be wondering why I'm not listening to you. I'll tell you. Because in the past when I've slipped, you've taken over my mind and told me I deserve nothing more because I'm useless and weak. That's what you used to tell me. That's what you're trying to tell me, even now.

I might be having a little trouble staying focused, I may even want to stencil right now or to pour that one drink you keep insisting wont hurt me that much. But I know better now, I know it will and I know it's a downwards spiral. A spiral I refuse to get caught up in again.

So what if my resolve slips a little every now and then? So what if I want something that isn't all that good for me? Wanting them and having them are two different things and I know I'm strong enough to overcome these little lapses. Having my resolve falter for a second or two doesn't make me useless or weak, depression. It makes me human.

I am not useless. I am not weak. And I will beat you.

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  • 10 years ago

    by Piogga

    Such an inspiring piece, Jenni. I just love reading about how others overcome personal struggles, or going through that process. This really made my night. Thanks for sharing!

  • 11 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    I am quite proud of you and your ability to move forward as much as you have. I of course have had faith in you all this time and still do and will continue to :)

    I'm glad that you've went this long without needing to resort to such things! It's quite a huge step towards becoming better. If you can get past this, you can accomplish anything.

    Your words just are so powerful and you make the most wonderful statements. I see so much strength in them that I didn't see a few weeks ago. The endings of these little prose pieces are so strong, they are so uplifting ina way. To know that you have this confidence again to overcome.

    These pieces lately have reminded me of watching a show once, the girl wasn't in your same situation but she was trying to lose weight, and her coach told her to do daily affirmations in the mirror, helping to build your confidence and such. I feel like these pieces really are daily affirmations and they surely seem to be helpful! I love them. Stay strong! You can pull through this, you are well on your way to getting your life back. :)

  • 11 years ago

    by Tara Kay

    This is more like it...trust me, It's never easy is it? You know that, but it is worth the fight, the one more day, the getting through it, in the end it is worth it, because you'll be happier, you'll be healthier. We all have tough days, and depression makes those tough days tougher, we over think things, we try and be fine all the time, but it is impossible and the thoughts are allowed to enter, we just need to know we are strong enough to push them away. YOU are strong enough. I truly believe that.

    The pain and the hurt we put ourselves through, we deserve better, even if we cannot see it...and I know it's hard, trust me I do, but I know that if anyone deserves to beat this and come out the other side its you...

    Giving yourself that hope it one step closer, its a big step but belief is knowledge and soon you'll get where you deserve to be. You'll see...

    Much love
    x

  • 11 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "Wanting them and having them are two different things and I know I'm strong enough to overcome these little lapses"

    - This line was so packed with emotion, as was the rest of the piece, it just blew me away! I feel this can apply as a life lesson too, a very wise statement- we do fall down, give into bad influences, but that doesn't define who we are for good.

    Jenni I absolutely loved reading this & by the end I wanted to do a victory shout of yay! I really liked the uniqueness of the "ten and seven". Ten days you decided to make that decision for yourself, and no one else. This person isn't building you up at all, just reminding you what your faults are and whispering false things that can get into your mind.

    A powerful piece, this moved my heart so much- written from your soul and I can tell you are not giving up, how true is that that you are not useless or weak, and will never be. You are more.

    Amazing!!! :]

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