Happy Birthday

by Jenni Marie   Jun 27, 2013


I sat in your room earlier, clutching one of your favourite teddies to my heart, and I buried my face into him as the tears began to pour...again. And glancing around at your dozens of toys only caused them to fall faster and harder. For you should be home playing with them, playing with me, wrapped in my arms every night.

I want to be able to kiss you goodnight daily and I want to randomly kiss you on the forhead and whisper "love you, baby" dozens of times a day like I used to. I want to be able to say to you "where's my Connor squeeze" and have you come running to me and wrapping your arms around me with all of your two year old strength, like you used to.

It's your birthday soon. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through that day without you being where you should be-with me. I'm dreading it so much to the point that everytime I think of it, I break down once again.

For so many years I dealt with pain and inner turmoil in the most self destructive of ways and it was only by saying goodbye to these methods that I could even entertain the hope of you returning to me. So I vanished them, it was one of the most difficult things I ever did, second only to being parted from my gorgeous boy. But right now...right now they're calling out to me once again because this pain...is unbearable.

I don't know why Daddy insists on keeping me away from you, I don't know why he didn't stick to his promise and keep his word that he'd allow you back with me once again. I don't know why this had to happen and I don't know how long it will be before I have you home once more.

{I don't know how long I can keep up this stupid charade that I'm okay.}

Because without you...I'm not.

I'm not okay.

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  • 10 years ago

    by Alessandra

    This is so beautiful, and I am truly sorry that this happened to you.

  • 10 years ago

    by Tara Kay

    Girl, it must be the hardest thing in the whole world and I can't tell you that he'll be home soon, just that you must hold on to that hope and stay strong for him, because he needs you and he'll always need you.
    You're poems are heartbreaking to read, when you mention Connor, but I know that he can feel you with him and I dearly hope and pray, he'll be with you soon.

    Keep fighting, and keep strong, I am so proud of you for getting through the destructiveness, one thing at a time.

    I wish I could hug you, and comfort you in some small way.

    Love you...and stay strong, no matter how hard it gets

    xx

  • 10 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    I'm so sorry Jenni.. I hope you get to see him soon & celebrate even if its not on his real birthday. Loved the Connor squeeze part, I always did that to my dad when I was really little.. there is always so much love in those kinds of hugs! Connor knows you love & miss him, don't forget that. I bet you he wishes he was with his mommy, she's quite the wonderful person. Things can only get better from here. Always thinking of you &hoping for the best.

  • 10 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    Oh Jenni.....I'm truly sorry it's like the way it is, I wish I could give you a huge hug right now. I just can't imagine..... how hard that would be. This poem was again heart-breaking and in every line there was the most raw emotion wishing for that day where all of this will be in the past, where he can be with you daily.

    So proud of you for overcoming the self-destruction, don't let it get the best of you and keep fighting. I loved near the end where you put one line in brackets, that was powerful and extremely emotional because he is your everything...I know that distance must be very painful. He will come home though, whatever it takes. I also want to say happy birthday to Connor and I know, even if you aren't with him, he'll still feel your love. That bond between a mother and son will never be broken even if there are miles apart that should never be.

    Incredible poem as always! <3

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