A Thousand Deaths

by Jenni Marie   Jul 21, 2013


It's your birthday tomorrow and I'm sat here with tears streaming down my face repeating the same mantra to myself over and over:

{I just want my little boy back.}

I miss you SO much, so much that it physically hurts. I feel sick when I think of how much precious time together we have lost and my heart weighs heavy in my chest all of the time because it was Daddy that caused this. Why can't he see I need you, and that you need me? You're my beauiful, perfect, boy. And I'm so lost without you right now.

{I didn't know it was possible to hurt this much.}

I'd do anything to stop this pain, to stop these constant tears, to hold you in arms and never let go again. I don't understand how it came to this between Daddy and I, I really don't. Once upon a time we loved each other, we planned and prayed for you, we had dreams of becoming married and once you arrived we often talked of a little brother or sister for you. Yet now, someone that was meant to care for me at one point is doing all he can to keep me from you. From my whole world.

I have no feelings for Daddy anymore except utter disgust and hate. How could he do this to us? I. just.don't.understand. I used to laugh and roll my eyes when someone mentioned pain hurting so much it physically hurt, but now I completely understand. I'd do anything to stop feeling this. I'd die a thousand violent deaths if I had to. I'd do anything, anything at all...

to have you back in my arms.

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Latest Comments

  • 10 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    This also tore at my heart, and just you writing how you would die a thousand deaths to have him back, says everything in the whole world. There was so much tangible pain here, that I never want you to feel again, and I hope and pray it goes away with time and the realization you are needed as his mother is recognized. It clearly shows how much you need him as well and the love you given each other, that bond of mother and son.

    Always thinking of you and wishing for the best. Keep your head up! Your have such a loving, willing heart and have gone through a lot in trying and moving forward from the past, doing what's best. Hopefully they will see that when making a decision or in regards to when you can welcome him back into your arms.

    Emotional, raw poem filled with sacrifice <3

  • 10 years ago

    by Hellon

    I don't really know what to say Jenni....this is heartbreaking and it ripped straight at my heart. I know you love your son very much and I was hoping by now that you would have worked something out with his dad...obviously not!

    I assume he has custody and...you alone will know why that it so...if you really do want your son back then you have to prove that the reasons why you don't have custody of him are now gone...a child needs his mother more than his father at this age but...only if she's functioning normally....may sound harsh and...it's meant to...I've tried pming you recently and you don't respond so...perhaps you are still not fully recovered?

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