Ten Years On

I visited there today for the first time in over ten years, and I'm unclear as to how it happened because it wasn't planned, nor intentional. Maybe it was the anniversary that subconsciously led me there...perhaps. All I know is that somehow I ended up there and when I realized where I was I felt my breath shorten and my heartbeat quicken.

And before I knew what was happening I was knelt on the ground, in the exact same spot where you tried to destroy me all those years ago...I wanted to leave and yet..yet somehow I couldn't, I couldn't escape and I was pinned to the spot. Frozen...like all those years ago. My cheeks were wet, heart pounding, palms clammy. Images assaulted my mind, crashing through my soul and trying to destroy every fibre of my being; like a tsunami with a ship clutched in its grasp.

I don't know how long I stayed frozen to that spot, only that when I got there the sun was still gleaming overhead and when I left stars twinkled across the night sky. I only know that ten years worth of anger, pain and tears poured from me that day. Because I never allowed myself to cry for what you did to me; not really. A few tears here and there maybe yet somehow always pushing down the pain far inside where nobody could get to it, not even I.

And as I knelt there alone, as the tears slowly dried up; a new thought came into my mind that I never allowed myself to fully grasp or comprehend until now...And as I knelt there still; with my legs muddy, my knees hurting from the prolonged pressure and my face almost buried into the earth, I clutched that thought, refusing to let it slither away as it aways had done before. And after ten long years of self hatred and resentment, ten years of questioning why it had to happen, ten years of terror and anxiety and ten years of blaming the wrong person; I whispered to myself....

"You didn't break me...you will never break me...your triumph was only temporary because...

{it wasn't my fault."}