Lost

I'm just struggling
Struggling to smile
Struggling to live
Struggling to keep going.
My life is going all separate ways
My mind is falling to pieces
Everything is crumbling on my fragile frame.
The self-hatred is intensifying
The numbness increasing
As I'm trying to fight it off
It gets stronger
& fights me back.
I just want a break
A break from constantly feeling inadequate
From tears
From pain.
Is it too much?
Just to have one good day
One day where I don't want to butcher my arm
One day where I can SMILE
Where I can be satisfied with who I am
& who I'll always be.
I used to be so positive
So hopeful
So anxious to get life going
But now
I lie at night
Trying to figure out what I really want
To see why I really need to be here
Why I should try.
I want so badly
To give up
To break
To not be strong
For once.
But people are pushing me along
Giving me strength & power
To fulfill recovery
To beat relapse.
I want happiness so badly
I crave it
That feeling
That I've forgotten oh so long ago.
I guess
That's what everyone wants
Happiness
But what will we do to get it?