Blood on the dancefloor (Shakespearean sonnet)

by Mr. Darcy   Aug 15, 2016


Across the ice she slices gracefully,
Just like a ballerina on the stage.
Her blades glint in the coolness of the breeze,
But in the depth of darkness lies a page.
She's written many tales in her short life,
About her dreams of dancing in the sun
Now dreams have turned to wine beneath a knife,
That carve a pirouette of viscous plum.
This story of the girl was sadly true;
The dance was gone, but there was more to tell.
Near death brought her a life with pleasant views,
She learned to sing, her voice became a bell.

If the only way to dance is with a blade,
It's time to dance in quite a diff'rent way.

michael
2016

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  • 8 years ago

    by Augustus Black

    Hello Sir,

    The quality and the makeover of this write is fabulous. Writing a big poem whilst setting up good rhyming with rhythm could be very difficult for many writers, but in your case you have done it quite comfortably. You have talked about dream, well I believe that dream is very vital in anyone's life. Life is colorless sans dream.

    But here, the dream of a girl just vanished because of the evilness of someone. Nice sad poem.

    • 8 years ago

      by Mr. Darcy

      Thank you for your comment, it is much appreciated.

  • 9 years ago

    by deeplydesturbed

    Beautiful as alwaýs. Sad beautiful touching. This sonnet is well done. It flows so well - something I am working on.

    Well Done

    • 9 years ago

      by Mr. Darcy

      Thank you - it is all about the sound. To be honest, yours sonnets flow well too!

  • 9 years ago

    by Everlasting

    The same here. I think that's as closes as one can get to experience true freedom. Being able to write sonnets or form poetry without feeling restrains despite having restrains. don't know if that makes sense.

    • 9 years ago

      by Mr. Darcy

      It certainly does. Much like tying up a shoe lace...

      now, I don't even have to think about it - it just flows! lol

  • 9 years ago

    by Everlasting

    Your words captured me. I was the spectator watching this lady dance. I was feeling frustrated for not being able to stop her from dancing also for not being able to play a new song for her to dance. The sonnet is well done. The iambic is good. I only have a small critique:

    If the only way to dance is with a blade,

    ^ This line sounds like trochee instead of iambic. If I force it sometimes it comes as iambic lol.

    IF the ONly WAY to DANCE is WITH a BLADE

    • 9 years ago

      by Mr. Darcy

      Thank you for the praise worthy comment - I do like the sonnet form as it forces more than the sound, it forces the writer to mold their idea into a strict format.

  • 9 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Michael,

    This is a sad and powerful sonnet, indeed.

    I have a couple of suggestions which may or may not be correct, but are how I hear them.

    The line beginning 'etching' stumbles a bit. 'etch' (stressed) 'ing' (unstressed)

    Also, the first line of the volta: "when the" - 'when' I hear as stressed and 'the' as unstressed.

    All of the above are only as I read them, so it's entirely up to you.

    Another original sonnet from you, Michael.

    SL

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