The Elephant, the seesaw and the Mice Pt2 (English Sonnet)

by Mr. Darcy   Jun 20, 2021

The sun faded behind the seesaw mates,
They watched a moon of cheese begin to rise.
The mice all squealed, “we'd like to have a taste,
But how to reach a moon so very high?”
The elephant began a cunning plan,
On hippopotamouse he stood and str-etch-e- d
The mice climbed up his trunk, in fact they ran,
But that big moon remained a teasing test -
Onto the seesaw five fell all too soon,
The elephant so hard the mice flew high…
All at once three mice were on the moon,
Enjoying Swiss type cheese up in the sky.
Three mice just wished to taste a moon of cheese,
They did with friends and help from gravity!


Mr. Darcy
© 2021

*More help from my friends - thanks!


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Latest Comments

  • 1 year ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Excellent, Michael. These are turning into quite something. More, man, more. I would agree with Lucero, however: the "wanted" is definitely off there.
    All the best as ever,

    • 1 year ago

      by Mr. Darcy

      Thanks, Ben. I always appreciate an expert's eye. Shame really, do you know anyone? Lol seriously, thanks.

  • 1 year ago

    by Everlasting

    I love the ending line.

    There’s a few lines that may need some help. For instance,

    “ They watched a moon of cheese begin to climb.”

    ^ when I read it, I read as if the moon of cheese was starting to climb, but I feel like you meant to say the mice begin to climb, right?

    So Possible suggestion if that was your intention:

    The sun dissolved behind the seesaw mates,
    they watched a moon of cheese and off they climbed
    The mice all squealed, “we'd like to have a taste,
    but how to reach a moon so high and fined?

    Then this line:

    The elephant so hard the mice did fly…

    ^ what did the elephant do?

    The elephant jumped to make the mice fly <- I’m not sure about the meter in this suggestion though. Hmm … idk

    Three mice wanted to taste a moon of cheese <- the meter is a bit off with “wanted”

    ^ three mice just wished to taste a moon of cheese?

    • 1 year ago

      by Mr. Darcy

      Thanks for this. I will look over it and im sure change those areas.
      The moon was rising, so the word 'rise' would fit nicely! As for the elephant, this was an area I hoped the reader would interpret. The 5 fell onto the seesaw, elephant one way and mice the other causing them to catapult up.

      Luce, thanks for this. A big help! :)

  • 1 year ago

    by Em

    Hello Mr. D I'm so pleased there's another of the adventures and that the mice got their moon cheese.. I wonder if they're happier now, I'd bet my last 10p on it lol
    Take care,
    Em x

  • 1 year ago

    by Kitty Cat Lady

    A sequel! How brilliant! You have made the sonnet look deceptively easy here, when we all know they're anything but. I love this continuation of the story and can imagine them as a series of children's books with fun illustrations, both poems have all the right ingredients for it. I can't nominate it on a Sunday but I don't doubt I'll be beaten to it.
    So well done Mr D! :-) x

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