My jaded forest (Edited)

I like it =)...and i can relate....i can't give you any advice though, i'm not good at it lol...i think it's a good poems though....keep up the good work....

-brittnay-

This wasnt too bad.. it seems like you used the line breaks very randomly, and that usually seems to make the work less reader friendly(example: second to last line, after the period i would expect a line break) weird line breaks seem to interrupt the flow,.. on the other hand.. if you place them correctly,.. they can certainly strengthen the flow.. this might just be me.. but when i came to this poem i was expecting more imagery, especially related to a jaded forest.. that coupling of words is quite intriguing and could give way to many ideas, metaphors, and great imagery..

One smile i see,
to see to surpass the tears,

im kinda confused with these lines.. i dont know if you used 'see' one too many times or what, but i just cant get what u meant to express.. maybe clear that up..

because with all the things
I've never had
my soul has grown so weak.

this is confusing as well,.. maybe give more of an explanation? i dont really know but i just cant picture 'all the things ive never had' making me weak.. maybe all the things i lost,.. and furthermore,.. maybe what u meant is all the things you THOUGHT you had but never really did.. thatd be more fitting to me.. but maybe not.. ne way.. good jobv n keep writing..

Saddening poem. It was short and to the point and didn't wander off onto other meaningless subject like some poems on this site do.

One part that didn't seem to make sense was "One smile i see,
to see to surpass the tears,
and all the hidden pain."

It was mainly middle line that threw me off, maybe some rewording could improve that.

Overall a good and emotional poem. And apart from that line it is well written.

To see to surpass the tears,
try to reword.
good, it flowed pretty well, 5/5, i enjoyed it.:)
(beautiful title!)

Hey i loved this xxx