Babble

This was wonderful written, i really liked it, you have such talent, great job. Keep writting.

Whoops i meant words not words lol. Sorry, Again I really again reading your poem!

x

I honestly did not find anything wrong with this poem. Other people may think it wasnt perfect but hey, who is perfect these days? Over time everyone improves, I looked back at my poetry from when I was 12 and realised it was really bad, but you learn from the past and your mistakes :)

"We wish friendship was here to stay
I wish that familiarity is with me forever
To hold on tight to something close
Wish me luck in this endeavor"

This is my favourite stanza because it summed up the poem and ended it well. To me poetry is not about using big and descriptive words, its about expressing yourself and listening to the worlds that lie in your mind, heart and soul. You have done just that! Take Care.

The poem seems to introduce several ideas without really fleshing out any of them. Also, the flow is very broke detracts from the poem mainly due to wording and grammar.

line2. 'doubting' is usually related to a more concrete action or topic, consider revising it and using a word better suited for the abstract, ie. 'questioning?'

line3. 'give' is an overused word that isn't descriptive at all. replace it with a more explicit term that better reflects the action you are referring to.

line4. thrown=awk. Also, this whole line seems out of place, fits better with line5. Furthermore, it doesn't add to the previous lines - it's more transitional in content. Move it to the second stanza and replace it with a line that adds more substance to 2&3.

lin6. awk, 'see' should be seeing.

line 7. don't relate to previous lines and are vague: 'our time ends' = who's time? why don't we know? How does this relate to lying? Does lying end a relationship?

line8.'different places' = confusing - very vague and confusing. I think you need another stanza to allow for more description to get your point across. Something is trying to be said, but there isn't enough content to say it.

line7&8. 'ends' = repetition

line10&12. 'false'= repetition. If this is intentional I would change it. I don't feel these words are significant enough to repeat them, find other descriptors.

line11. 'butterflies'? is this more than a friendship? If not, than this is *very confusing. I've never heard this colloquial term used for friendship...

line13&14. 'need them' = repetition

line16. 'galore'=awk, word seems to be used bc it rhymes. Even though, by definition, it's correct, it's inappropriate use and very distracting from the poem.

line18.'is' - not descriptive, use a verb that is more specific

Another issue with the poem is the switch in voice of the narrator. I found this very distracting. From 'we' to 'I', the shift in voice keeps the reader from connecting with the material and objectifies the narrator, reducing the emotional expressiveness of the poem. 'we' generalizes the emotions within the text. With revision, this poem has the potential to improve significantly, and I hope you keep at it.

Lovely poem yet again. 5/5. Well done and I wish you all the best on your endeavour.
cheers, josh