Mirror,Mirror on the Wall

by DepthofPassion   Jul 2, 2007


I wrote this prose a long time ago.I got bored and thought I would post it. Like all the rest of my poems I know it is a mess,but that is alright by me. Feel free to down vote. However, if you do down vote please leave some helpful criticism.
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A girl stands staring into a mirror, looking back is a mess of insecurities. The vast oceans of blue tell little truth. Her eyes hold so much potential not even she knew she had. They burn with pride, but the candle is almost out. Her dancing smile has a lifetime of experience. Those pearly whites know how to dazzle them with a show. Her mouth is full and seductive; it can keep the darkest of secret. She bites her lip and watches as you lick the sin off them. She holds the key to your pity. Her fingers move like a grotesque ballet, smoothing out the insecurities from the hem of her garment. She looks into the mirror and all she can see are all of her sins smiling back at her.

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  • 16 years ago

    by Angela

    I love this poem... she sounds... o so... i dont even know the words for it...
    very good poem, i didnt think it was written badley at all hun
    good job :)
    <3 ang

  • 16 years ago

    by xTheEcstasyOfSuicidex

    A girl stands staring into a mirror, looking back is a mess of insecurities. The vast oceans of blue tell little truth.
    [[Beautiful description here. I don't know why, though, but I hate the word "blue" being used. Try a different one? That's just a suggestion.]]

    Her eyes hold so much potential; not even she knew she had.
    [[Wrong punctuation here.
    ...potential not even she....
    Or if you want the semi-colon
    ...potential; there's something about it she never knew she had... ect. [That was bad, but bare with me.]]]

    They burn with pride; but the candle is almost out.
    [[Again, bad punctuation.
    ...pride{,} but the...
    or if you want the semi-colon
    ...pride{;the} candle is....]]

    The smile she flashes has a lifetime of experience.
    [[I don't like the use of "flashes". Sounds... gauty, if you can sound gauty in a poem. =/]]

    Those pearly whites know how to dazzle them with a show.
    [[I don't like pearly whites here, only because it's so cliche. However, if you want to keep it I won't kill. But, I love the thought of this line...like, where you were going and what you meant.]]

    Her mouth is full and seductive; it can keep the darkest of secret.
    [[I read and read and read this line, but I can't say whether I utterly hate it or love it. =/. Confusing.]]

    She bites her lip and watches as you lick the poison off them.
    [[Cliche. And. Where'd the poison come from? Why not "insecurites" or "sin"... that's what you were talking about, really..]]

    She holds the to key your pity.
    [[Yes! Now THIS is an amazing line!]]

    She looks into the mirror and all she can see are all of her sins smiling back at her.
    [[Not sure why, but I don't like this line. It's too...plain. Where's the description you used earlier?]]

    Sorry this is so long, but I saw it had no votes or comments and had to attack it. Whether you want it or not, I'll always comment your poetry; never stop a rising writer.

    Anyways.

    Overall I loved it, but it was not a poem. It's more of a very short prose. Do NOT make it into a poem, either. I love it the way it is.
    However, I have a huge complaint. I didn't feel it was finished. Maybe that's just me, but you didn't really leave suspence, nor did you finish it. I don't know... Maybe I'm crazy, but this could be a lot longer. =/.

    xTheEcstasyofSuicidex 5.5

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