I love this poem. The opening verse manages to convey both love and loss within the first few lines without it seeming to rush to fit everything in. "In vain I looked for its return" I really liked this line as I believe we can all say we've done the same at one point: We've all tried to hold onto someone that has already let go of us.
"all that I was turned into hate." It's funny what love can do to us. One moment it makes us the best person we can be whilst the next we no longer recognise ourselves. The only thing I'm unsure of here is the sudden loss of the rhyme scheme with this line as it threw my flow a little.
The final verse wraps everything up so nicely and with a lovely flow and follows on effortlessly from the last line of the prior verse of how love can turn us into someone completely different than what we were.
What a beautifully sad write. The flow is smooth with
a hint of rhyme. Nothing seemed forced and yet
everything fell in place and made it all tender. I
like the images each stanza brought out and for me
the first and last stanza stood out. This poem
reaches out to the reader and touches the heart...lovely!
I once held love within a grasp
so tender as to leave no bruise,
this is great I actually held out my hand to imagine a grasp so soft that a butterfly would be able to fly off if caught within it.
yet when I opened up my hand
to let it soar, to let it loose,
this love I thought was mine alone
did fly to taste another's muse.
Shocked - I was like, oh no, not so soon. i was hoping for a lighter, more happier read. This is good and has pushed this reader off balance. I like the imagined metaphor - a butterfly perhaps, or maybe a common house fly?
In vain I looked for its return
and withered here without its heat,
Great imagery her, I see a wilting flower in front of fire.
Lost in an ever darkened world
my heart forgot its rhythmic beat,
As ice encrusted grew my mind
all that I was turned into hate.
Ooh, good stuff here. Again the picture painted here is superb. I can see the ice mounting and enveloping all that once loved and twisting it into a malevolent force.
Pale as the moon without a star
to guide its ever errant wish,
An empty shell resides here now
instead of living, vibrant flesh,
A marble statue, still and dead
within an empty, cold abyss.
Here we have a list of similes, all good and helping this reader fully absorb the enormity of the pain felt when a lover leaves for pastures new. Cold, barren, unloved and unwanted.
Well done on this. I liked the structure and the fact you left the pain hanging for the reader to just dwell and feel it.
2 years ago
by Ben Pickard
The rhythm and flow of this piece is outstanding - particularly the final stanza. Such a sad but hugely powerful poem, penned beautifully as usual. 5/5