Stuck in grief

I'm stuck in grief;
Drowning in the depth of despair
as I stare at your picture
on my phone over the internet,
Hot tears running in a constant flow down my porcelain cheeks.
None of it feels real
But at the same time it's all hitting me
Like a ton of rocks;
Knocking the air from my lungs and
Making it a struggle to breathe.
My chest feels empty and hollow and
I've been holding in these tears for weeks;
Scared to show any emotion
around those I love;
Having already shut each and every one of them out in fear of hurting them
More than I already have.
I look down at the small tattoo on my wrist that I got when I first became clean
Of self harm;
Reminding me to just breathe.
It's a state of mind I can't survive;
I'm hurt and angry;
stuck in grief.