It hurts, when I'm broken on the floor,
But this has happened many times before,
You leave, always walking out that door,
Breaking me, I just can't take this anymore
^^ Whoo, this whole thing rhymes. Haha, I think it helps the flow and makes it really easy to read. I feel like I've read this so many time before, though. I personally don't like love poems, so this may be a little harsh. I always feel like they just say the same thing over and over and over. I want some unique-ness. Haha. :]
I could scream and you wouldn't move,
As if there's a point you're trying to prove,
But I know you're burying it deep,
As far as it takes for it not to seep,
^^ What I did like about this stanza was the first line. I could relate to it a lot, it's like you just scream your lungs out, but no one hears you.
I watch as a spectator at a game,
Whooping and hollering, cheering your name,
You think you're way up above us all,
But what goes up, will eventually fall,
^^ I'm not exactly sure what this stanza is about. >.> BUT, the last line reminds me of a line in a Linkin Park song, so I like it. Hehe.
I know from the way you built me up so high,
Then tore out my foundation, letting me die,
You didn't stay long enough, I'm still alive,
And I had time to let my thoughts contrive,
^^ I liked the second line, because it was unique, but the third line felt like you were trying to hard to rhyme.
Now you're set up, ready to descend,
Staring nervously, looking for a friend,
But they've been with me from the start,
All taking turns, to break your heart,
^^ Loved the last line. It really stuck out in my mind.
Now you can feel my bleeding soul,
Burning you, using your heart as charcoal,
While whispering the words to make you cry,
"I used to love you, but this is goodbye."
^^ Oh noo, the first line is so cliche. I don't like "bleeding soul". So many people use it. Try something else. Um, bruised soul.. weakened soul.. mangled soul.. just something besides bleeding. I liked the second line, it was pretty original. I didn't like the last line though. It doesn't stick out in people head, and it's the ending. You want the ending to be strong, because it's the last thing the reader takes from your poem.
So overall, it was a pretty decent love poem. I didn't totally hate it, and that's saying a lot since I'm sort of prejudiced against love poems. Haha. Good job. :]
First off I really liked the title. It captured my attention and made me want to read more which good titles should do. The imagery in this was haunting and sad with phrases like "bleeding soul". The imagery was just flawlessly expressed and the poem just captivated me from beginning to end. The last line was flawless and so heartbreaking that it left me with a BANG but I wanted more. The flow was good but in some parts shaky because you tried to force rhyme. All in all I truly did enjoy this because I could tell it was well thought out and from the heart the way all excellent poems should be. Well done *5/5*