Love Cannot Live in my Damaged Heart

by Cayce   Apr 2, 2008


Only the screen could tell this splintered tale,
Of passion sprinkled with lust, intoxicating -
Daze blurred my thoughts of alcoholic lips
Love, warmth, security, needing, advocating.

Rivers of sparkling water charge down ivory,
Drowning in my own sea of scornful shame.
Clawing at the eyes that saw too much -
Ridicule, hidden errors. I'm the one to blame.

Choking on the guilt, shoved down my throat.
Twisted, regretful heart almost splitting apart.
Praying for stitches and tape, understanding.
Aware love cannot live in my damaged heart.

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I never seem to like poems right after I've finished writing them. I wrote this in like 15 minutes and I don't understand it. :/ Any constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated.

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Latest Comments

  • 11 years ago

    by Niinaa

    Only the screen could tell this splintered tale,
    Of passion sprinkled with lust, intoxicating -
    Daze blurred my thoughts of alcoholic lips
    Love, warmth, security, needing, advocating.
    ^ Love This Stanza

    This is a great poem i love the emotion shown in this piece it is very strong Your Work Is Amazing Keep On Writing

    5/5

  • 11 years ago

    by Sharon

    I think one of the great things about poems is that some of them can't be understood, its just like how sometimes you don't understand your own emotions and maybe this poem just reflects that. i like it

  • 11 years ago

    by EssenceOfLace

    About the authors note, poetry doesn't have to make sense. Remember, we have covered this. We never know what our poems are about lol

    STANZA ONE:
    "Only the screen could tell this splintered tale,
    Of passion sprinkled with lust, intoxicating -
    Daze blurred my thoughts of alcoholic lips
    Love, warmth, security, needing, advocating."

    ^^I'm guessing by using the word "screen" it was some sort of mirror reference. If so, it was a good idea to word it that way, because using "mirror" is pretty cliche. I think in the second line you should replace the hyphen with a period. It seems more like the end of a sentence rather than the third line being a continuation.
    I loved the last line, where it wasn't technically a sentence. It was just an expression of words.

    STANZA TWO:
    "Rivers of sparkling water charge down ivory,
    Drowning in my own sea of scornful shame.
    Clawing at the eyes that saw too much -
    Ridicule, hidden errors. I'm the one to blame."

    ^^I think the hyphen should be taken out and replaced with a period. It would match the first stanza. Very emotional stanza, that explained very well that this is a tragic piece.

    LAST STANZA:
    "Choking on the guilt, shoved down my throat.
    Twisted, regretful heart almost splitting apart.
    Praying for stitches and tape, understanding.
    Aware love cannot live in my damaged heart."

    ^^Loved the first line. It shows that you didn't want this "guilt" but you were forced to take the blame for something.

    Overall, a good piece. I noticed that you did rhyme, but it did not look forced at all. Even though it took you so little time to write this, everything seems to flow together like you spent hours on it.
    Now, I'm not good with titles, but I think the title for this gives too much of the story away. Basically, you can summerize the story in the title, and I don't think that is a good thing. I think that you need to add a mystery to it.
    It's not your best work, but for the time it took to do this, it is a fantastic piece.
    Always a pleasure to read your work =)

    Take care
    ~Lace [CHEESY GANGSTA]

  • 11 years ago

    by A Phoenyx in Flight

    Love this poem its very good your a great poet

  • 11 years ago

    by Bob

    Cool. I like it. Keep it up and give more!!