Vampire

by Sole   Aug 4, 2008


Waxen fingers trace an outline across her stiffened skin
Running down her taught neck, across her chin, to her ruby lips
A gaunt face leans closer, she smells his putrid breath
Whispering lurid fantasies into her disquieting ears

A crystal tear slides unwillingly from her dark brown eyes
As he caresses her soft hair, as he slowly unfastens her dress
His penetrating stare puts fearful thoughts into her innocent mind
A sleazy, bitter, laugh as his eyes fixate on her exposed neck

A seedy smile creeps across his face, involuntarily, she shakes and quivers
His piercing nail makes a small incision along her vulnerable cheek
A dry tongue licks away the droplets of crimson life
No longer holding back emotion, her tears flow free

Sinking ivory fangs into her delicate, pale neck
She strives to scream, silence, her body shakes then she is still
Drinking, her blood feeds his inhuman addiction
Enshrouding her lifeless body with a sheet, he absconds into the sinister night.

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Latest Comments

  • 11 years ago

    by shenoa

    I enjoyed this piece very much, where I find vampires errotic, your words of a sadistic monster are perfectly placed together. Wonderful job.

  • 11 years ago

    by Four Letter Lie

    Amazing discription, It gives a real mental image. 5/5

  • 11 years ago

    by InvisiblyHeartless

    I love the way you made this sound sort of horrific. Its creative and juicy. I didn't like the way some of the lines were like stories. They were long and others were short. This piece tells a story, and I think that is neat. It is just that the line length stumbled me in crucial places. I think it needs smoothed out. The words were dark, and creepy, but I think that this piece could be terrifying if you added even more color to your words. I love this piece alltogether.
    Fantastic job!

    Lexie

  • 11 years ago

    by Empathy

    Well vivid in imagery and respective word choice. I really liked reading this poem, You did a very good job describing how the true evil could extend in it's limits in this poem. I thought you had the perfect mindset on bringing out what a shrill and sinister vampire would truly be like. It came very clear. Excellent work.

  • 11 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    Okaay, so I'm really not into the whole vampire thing lol. But I'll try to give you my honest opinion.

    Title; it's simple. But of course it tells you what the poem will be about.

    First stanza,
    `Wonderful imagery! Woah. The words were extremely great.
    My favorite lines,
    "Waxen fingers trace an outline across her stiffened skin"
    &
    "A gaunt face leans closer, she smells his putrid breath"
    ^^ Putrid was a wonderful word. The way you are describing this vampire is just so amazing and detailed. Great job!

    Second stanza,
    "A crystal tear slides unwillingly from her dark brown eyes"
    `Loved it. Unwillingly.. great word-choice. Again, second stanza .. it is full of imagery and I can picture it very vividly.

    Third stanza,
    "A seedy smile creeps across his face, involuntarily, she shakes and quivers
    His piercing nail makes a small incision along her vulnerable cheek
    A dry tongue licks away the droplets of crimson life
    No longer holding back emotion, her tears flow free"
    `Okay. Wow. The way you described it. It just was like so creepy. Lol. Which of course it should be. But, this definatly gave me the chills just thinking and picturing it. Well done.

    "Sinking ivory fangs into her delicate, pale neck
    She strives to scream, silence, her body shakes then she is still
    Drinking, her blood feeds his inhuman addiction
    Enshrouding her lifeless body with a sheet, he absconds into the sinister night."
    ``AHHHH! This was soo well written.Very creepy yet well done.

    Overall, WONDERFUL imagery in this poem. You described everything so well it painted a creepy vivid image in my mind. Wonderful job, you definatly accomplished one goal in this poem - to make it really creepy and sound very well vampireish lol..I usually don't read poems like this because they are just too creepy for me.. but it was a nice change-up and I enjoyed the read. well done :] 5/5

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