Disaster Date

As I primp before my date,
I make a mental checklist, just in case.

Lipstick? Check.
Deodorant? Check.
Mouthwash? Check.
Mase? Double check. (You never know, he could be a creep!)
Cash? Check.
Condoms? Triple Check. (Hey, a girl's got needs!)

I smirk to myself as I peer into the mirror,
"Bit*h, you look hot!"
you can never go wrong with a little black dress.

When I hear the familiar ring of my doorbell,
a few touch ups on my hair,
and a glimpse of my pearly whites,
how embarrassing would it be for something to be stuck in my teeth?
Eeeek.

I try to imagine what he looks like before I open the door,
tall, dark, and handsome?
Oh, a girl can dream.
short and fat?
Please, no.
a geek with freckles and glasses?
Um, geeks can be cute, right? ...Maybe.

I slyly peek through the curtains, just to catch a glimpse,
my smile perks right up, stretching from ear to ear,
he knocks tall, dark, and handsome out of the ball park!

6'2 of yumminess is more like it!
Black hair and blue eyes,
his style is crisp and clean,
what's not to drool over?

Fast forwarding past the awkward hello's and how are you's,
he takes my hand and leads me to his car,
seriously? a Jaguar?
I have died and gone to heaven.

He pulls into a fancy French restaurant,
oooh, la la.
He orders for us both including a bottle of their best champagne,
I silently pray that I know what I'm eating,
please God, don't let it be snails.

As we chatter about our hobbies and friends,
I find myself swooning over his charm,
listening to every word that lingers from his lips.

Trying to break the trance of lust,
I ask questions to learn what he makes for a living,
a devilish grin forms across his face and he whispers,
"How about we go back to my room and I'll show you, baby?"

I'm sure I haven't been this bashful since I was ten,
"Excuse me?" I stutter.
"C'mon, you don't recognize me?"
My mind begins to race,
have I ever met him?
No way! I would remember someone that handsome.
"Umm... no, we've never met until tonight, hence the blind date."
Maybe too harsh, however he did just ask me to go back to his room!
Not that I don't want to, I could eat him for dessert all night long,
but... I'm confused.

"What exactly do you do?"
He chuckles a little and looks me in the eye,
"I'm in the adult film industry."

I spew my champagne all over his face,
"YOU'RE A PORN STAR!!!"
Oops, I just screamed...
if we were outside, we could hear crickets chirp,
everyones eye are glaring at me.

Mortified,
I quickly grabbed my clutch and sprinted towards the door.
He is behind me in an instant and tries to reason with me,
"I'm sorry I surprised you, I can make it up to you up in my room,
I promise you will be satisfied."
My mouth is gaped open, I'm utterly shocked.
He expects me to just be okay with the fact he is a porn star?
What a creep!
"If you're good, maybe I can pull a few strings and we can work together..." he trails off,
okay, that's it; I dig in my purse and pull out my mase,
I shriek, "No thanks, you chlamydia infested pig!"
He falls to his knees,
mumbling profanity and crying like a little girl.

On the cab ride home,
I sigh with disappointment,
my blind date was a complete bust.
Soon I get over it, replaying him crying on his knees,
I giggle at the thought,
and make another mental checklist to buy another can of mase.

*written for a club challenge*

Copyright 2012: Hannah K.