I'll Be Good.

I wasted thousands of dollars but
more importantly, millions of seconds
giving into a darkness that was never
designed to own me.

^^
The fact that you can still differentiate between the darkness and you means that it does not own you, and it never will.

MaryAnne, I have seen something that might help you as well, it is a lecture by a well known psychologist, I show this to all people I feel might profit from his words:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuttNmIDB1w

My advice in a nutshell to you: live more, think less. Go with the flow of life and see where it takes you and above all, try to love yourself unconditionally.

*big hugs*
Ingrid

Hello,

this poem looks lonely and in need of attention...

My purple glasses are always a wreck,
sliding down my nose, their lens dirty
while I fight to keep them clean so I
can see what's truly in front of me.
^
Interesting the description of dirty, purple and poorly fitting glasses. It paints a picture of a person who perhaps has a chaotic and hectic life.

I cough more than I speak, inhale
nicotine more than relive the past.
^
Intriguing couplet. It suggests ill health, or perhaps memories of it. Maybe cigarettes being used as distraction?

I truly haven't suffered like others
but I've summoned death far too often.
^
A voice of experience and self awareness. Realising our own mortality by walking the edge of it in times of darkness.

For one who preaches, who tries to
stand on her own with dignity,
I sure fall down into the pit of doubt,
trying to fix myself instead of letting
others heal me with supportive souls,
instead of letting faith lead.
^
More dialogue of experience. As we go through life we learn (hopefully) be our mistakes and try to 'go it alone'. We are complex creatures though. We still have doubts and fears and there are times when we feel young and insecure once more. How do we, and when do we have enough faith in ourselves. It really does make this reader still ponder.

I avoid the real issues 99.9% of the time.
^
Steering around pot holes only comes from experience of falling down them. It hurts and costs too much; so we steer around them. Good sense and sense that comes from experience.

I wasted thousands of dollars but
more importantly, millions of seconds
giving into a darkness that was never
designed to own me.
^
The more I read of this poem, the more I read a journey of self discovery. Money and time wasted? Or maybe it was money and time worth spending to learn a valuable life lesson. 'darkness that was never designed to own me'

I'll try. I'll truly try this time. Not just
to do what I'm supposed to. Not just
wake up at a normal time and eat
and exercise the right amount and
wait for the clock to turn.
^
The effort to do the right thing is hard at first. The more we walk the 'right path' the easier it becomes. I recall my therapist saying, it is like walking to a well in the middle of a field of grass. The first time you walk there, it is a struggle to find your way. But then, the next time you follow the trampled grass, until eventually the 'right path' is easy.

I'll do good.
^
I read this a self affirmation. Like, telling the vulnerable self that you will look after her.

I'll appreciate all I have to offer now,
while I'm young, while I'm hopeful,
while I believe in help for the defiant...
^
More self awareness, but that requires effort to remain on the right path. Sometimes we like/ need to 'act out' to sabotage ourselves despite the costs. Sometimes those potholes become alluring and we fall. The important thing is knowing why we do the things we do and knowing how to correct them so we manage to look after the most important person in our lives: Us!

while I'm

alive.
^
these two final lines breath defiance; like, I may just fall again...

I am glad I read this as much poetry reveals the authors soul.

((hugs))

Take care,

Michael