i am not okay.

I. Waking Up

it is this heavy weight i cannot shake.
crying does not help.
writing pros/cons and
thinking of every option
just fills me with dread,
but i do it anyway.
years of skills should give
me strength and resolve,
a reminder that i am
still moving forward,
but it has no effect on me.
i am lifeless.
i barely breathe or eat.
i just exist to carry this weight.
others offer to help,
but i feel nothing.
they say they believe me.
they say they support me,
but it all feels meaningless.

II. Remembering

after our appointment,
i was confused where to go.
the elevator took me
to the first floor,
where i found i was unable to walk.
i panicked but tried to hide it,
sitting inside the entrance
to the building for hours.
the man i met with
came into my line of sight.
i recognized him briefly.
i told him i remembered,
some part of me deep down
fully realized the abuse,
and i wanted to report it.
i asked if there was hope;
he said, "absolutely",
then he walked out the door.
no one stays with me.
i deal with all of this alone.
it is a weight no one can
ease off of my heart.
he says it was not my fault
over and over,
but i disagree.
i will always disagree.
i must have done something
to deserve the extent of it.
the force that leaves me
whimpering on the ground.
i may never be able
to recover.