I try to process what they’ve told me.
Bits and pieces come back,
conversations I barely was present for.
They encouraged me to contact the authorities.
Strongly encouraged.
I remember shutting down.
It would have been easier
if they hadn’t believed me.
But now, it’s all too real.
I can’t give the names.
Once it’s out, everything could change.
I won’t be protected.
I’d need to find shelter.
It would be giving up the security I’ve always had.
It’s simple, really:
just keep denying, avoiding, forgetting.
I try to explain in an email how I feel.
How could he even understand?
The constant dizziness, nausea.
All psychosomatic.
My head in the clouds
with no aid from any substance.
The severe amnesia I keep hidden,
because if someone knew my
ongoing state of confusion,
they’d want to put me away.
So I pretend everything is fine.
I don’t outwardly show my doubts.
I am a person half-alive,
reset almost every day.
Am I even human?
