Nams! Here we are again! Lol, hugs. Today is my birthday! Sitting here with a large maccas sundae with extra choc ....and I couldn't resist a goodbye poem. For they're very emotional to me.
The rhyming structure is close to four lines a stanza, each end of all four lines in a stanza rhyme. The first stanza is wonderfully descriptive:
Darkness surrounds the stars at midnight.
Shadows are cast over the earth from moonlight.
Feeling alone in my endless fight.
Wish I was free as a bird, taking it's first flight.
The imagery here is wonderful, the moonlight cast over earth, darkness surrounding stars. Then enters beautiful Nams. The fight reference could be depression or related to such. Wishing to fly away. Just really love this stanza. The flow and read of the poem is clear from the beginning.
The second stanza is in question form..almost as though these are questions you are asking yourself. 'Slip away' is a phrase I really appreciate here. Loniless is the emotion I feel as well as possible fake or questionable 'friends'
Third stanza...absolutely astounding! Blew me away. You dwell right into the sombre feel to this piece. Not sure you need a '.' After downs because all lines relate to the first. The lines illustrate the ups and downs. Love the 'breakdown reference'. Oh Nams this is a gem.
Fourth stanza. Here you not only write of your full plate... But also the weight of the world...perhaps depression involves thinking and feeling the sadness of worldly affairs too. The reference to hells gate indicates to me you believed suicides will end up in hell?
Last stanza, you say your final goodbyes. You write here to a friend. I wonder if their is an actual friend there or your saying goodbye to the world...or the natural scenery your viewing. Very intriguing!
This is beautiful and I will add it to favorites. I only wonder if this line:
"Shadows are cast over the earth from moonlight." Might read something like "a silvery shine casts over the earth from moonlight"
Naomi, darn it girl what are you trying to do to me? This write just sadden me on one hand but on the other-what a write! Your rhyming was spot on, the story engaging all way through-just beautiful! If you ever want to talk I'm here for you-hugs-Brenda
Thank you both for the comments. Michael, I can not fake things :( as much as I try, The only thing I could ever fake was my smile and even then my eyes gave me away.
Em, I'm fine. I pm'd thank you for the lovely comment and all the concern. but there is no need for it, these are just words on paper (well the internet)...
5 years ago
Naomi, Naomi, Naomi...
First of all I will say this TALK TO ME, tell me what's going on. I'm bloody worried now girl. I know life is never easy for any of us but you are a strong willed girl who may sometimes need a bit of guidance in the right direction just like me. Nothing is simple but when in darkness we think the world and its dog is against us and usually it bloody is but we need to stand alone and fight it.
Would anyone notice if I slipped away?
Yes, we would. I would most definitely.
Would anyone ask me if I wanted to stay?
I wouldn't ask, I would beg you.
Would "friends" come out of hiding to play?
Those 'friends' do not matter but I most certainly would if only you were closer
Would you just let me walk out someday?
No, I most definitely would not.
Now, hold your held high and smile and repeat after me "it may be tough now but it will not last, I can do this!!"