I cant

At the beginning of the summer your dad picked you up;
And you left.
No texts.
No calls.
Nothing.
Just a simple goodbye the night before.
I begged you, pleaded with you-
To just talk to me.
Even a 'screw you' would've hurt less than your silence..
I cried, I sobbed, I begged.
I needed you..
And even though you knew it;
you still weren't there.
Instead-
You sat silently in the background;
Watching as I beat myself up,
Trying to figure out what I'd done wrong.
Trying to figure out how I could get you to talk to me;
Even if all you said was to leave you alone.
But you didn't.
You watched as I drowned in self blame,
Dug my razor into my side;
And cried myself to sleep every night.
You watched as I turned myself into an alcoholic-
As I relied on the alcohol to numb the pain-
And the blade to release it.
When you did come back....
You gave me false hope;
Only then to turn it all on me,
Making me blame myself for your rejection all over again.
Again;
You watched as I went downhill,
Using a different kind of poison
To numb the overwhelming
Emotions that completely engulfed me.
You watched as I hurt myself because of you.
You never said a word.
You let me do this myself...
Knowing that it was not my fault you couldn't just tell me how you felt.
I want to hate you- I really do.
Maybe I should.
But I can't.