I’m terrified of dying :)

by (Linda) Leavers   Sep 4, 2019


I feel like the pain I have been waking up with
since they “removed” my cancer
via laparoscopic surgery
is letting me know
my body is giving up now.

They found new growth on my ovary.
My oncologist is jacked to see my Thursday.

The office said they “Missed my smile and sense of humor.”

Yeah.

Missed y’all too.

....

How was your labor day?

....

Right.

So the fact that I’ve evaded death this long truly is a feat of incredibility considering the fact I’ve had like hella opportunities to stop living. Both against my will, and caused by me.

I usually reflected, instead of feared.
Looking back into my kaleidoscope past with
acceptance,
understanding,
that I could have been exterminated...
but I wasn’t.

Now, I have no control
or choice
or reflective option.

My joints feel like somebody took sandpaper,
and wasted them away overnight.
My legs can’t spread.
My hips move like a Rubik’s cube.
My hands can’t roll.
My fingers won’t snap.
My shoulders won’t relaxmymind wontstop
thinkingaboutthefact that my husband could be without me and his mental health is potentially going to be destroyed, buthopefullymymotherinlaw she’sgonna she is gonna actually I know she’ll take care of them all, including both our toddlers. She’ll let Ty stay with her and her husband but she probably wont find him a therapist office because mental health is a taboo in the black community and he could sit there rotting from the inside out LIKE MY BODY IS and leave our children orphans and he told me a world without me isn’t for him BUT.

I made him promise to wait 5 years after I die,
if I die,
when I die,

before he kills himself.
I pleaded him to try and see if it gets better,
if he can withstand the pain.

He agreed for my sake.
He swore.
He pinky swore

and we both sobbed in our bed.
And he held me.

I feel like my time is running out.
The light of life inside me
keeps getting lower,
dimmer,

quiet.

There isn’t brilliance in it anymore.
It’s a warm glow.

I’m fading.

I don’t want to go.

6


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Latest Comments

  • 1 week ago

    by Star

    I have read this so many time, but I couldn’t get myself to comment. Whatever I say to you wont be enough!

    Congratulations on your win :)

  • 1 week ago

    by Tanya Southey

    So profound. This thing we call life. Fleeting. I am sorry for what you are going through. Thank you for sharing a personal experience that is also universal. I wish you love x

  • 1 week ago

    by Michael

    Congratulations Linda :)

  • 1 week ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    Oh, dear Linda... all the love and comfort <3 This is beyond heart-wrenching. I'm so sorry, there are just no other words. Thank you for sharing the deepest parts of your heart, and often what must be the most painful.

    • 1 week ago

      by (Linda) Leavers

      Thank you for caring enough to read and talk to me personally <3 You’re always my favorite

  • 2 weeks ago

    by cantchangeme

    Heart wrenching and very honest. This is beautifully well written and would be beautiful as a spoken word piece. Meaningful and impelling.

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