Disguise Falls

I want to face things head on.

I go to EMDR therapy to
receive, retrieve

the longer stories -

the glimpses from my real life nightmares, which I’ve long packed away tightly.

The purpose of this being to process, desensitize, free up some mental real estate.

I want to be a better person.

Or do I?

Is it an addiction to suffering?

Do I believe I deserve this torment?

The fire blazes in my mind without facing it.

Yet a detonation when I do.

Oh,

if I could

expunge every trace of my being,

gently turn it all to wind,
freely drifting, benign, endless particles.

My loves,
my children,
all memories of me.

I might know how it feels to be free
instead of shackled to the tree inside my mind.

I’m thwacked with a different branch every time the Wind gusts,

mocking me that’s she’s uncovered the answer to weightlessness.

She dares me to find the strength, the wisdom to join her.

I know enlightenment is in my sight,
yet like the wind,

I cannot see it, nor grasp on to it.

But can’t you see how strong I’m trying to be?

I can hold you all.

I am untouchable.